So unlike me.

Last night wasn't very pleasant.

Nothing bad happened, really, it's just more like... I would've rather been at home, doing something alone, or hanging out with Josh. Luckily, he came to Dad's with me, so it wasn't so lonely/boring. My dad had some whiskey, so I drank a little bit and took a few Xanax and was passed out on the couch before my dad was asleep, which is... really, REALLY rare. But once he fell asleep, I woke up suddenly, and then was up for four or so more hours. Boo. :(

I think I'm supposed to be "celebrating" with my cousin tonight, but it's nearly 4:30 and I don't know what's going on, so I'm just like... eh.

My brother has been sick. As in, has a bad cold with chest congestion and all kinds of other grossness. It's sad. He's miserable, but keeps going into work.

I don't understand the way I feel about my brother. That sounds weird, so I'll explain: As children, we were incredibly hateful towards one another. It lasted until my mother and I left. Sure, we had a few good moments, sweet moments, but nothing that ever lasted for more than a small moment.

After my mother and I were gone, I realized how much I loved him. I missed him like hell. We began talking on the phone occasionally, seeing each other sometimes, but never really spending a lot of time together alone.

As I've grown up (and he has, too), he has turned into a lot more to me that just a brother. I trust him 100%, he is my best friend, he is my guidance when I'm lost, he is the closest person to me (other than my mother, of course, but he and I share that bond with her).

Anyway, I don't know what I'm getting at. There might be a slight dependence there now, just like any friendship. I want him around all the time. He gets on my nerves sometimes, but we get past it quickly. When I'm sad, he instantly makes things better. When I'm happy, he makes me happier.

I don't know. He's my favorite person in the world.

Something strange about it, I don't ever actually tell him what's bothering me. There's probably a lot he doesn't know, or a lot that doesn't come out at the appropriate times, but he knows it is there, and he... I don't know, understands it? He's four years older, and I feel like most things I've been through, he's been through, too.

What scares me is the idea of him getting a girlfriend. We discussed this a little bit last night. He even admits that he thinks more clearly when he's alone, and I definitely agree. I think I'm sort of wounded still from the last time he was in a relationship. That sounds somewhat selfish. I know he's still wounded, too. He was hurt. I was hurt, too, though. I lost him for a long time. I'm just afraid that if he finds a girl, it'll turn into that again.

But instead of worrying about that now, I'm just going to enjoy the things that are going on right now.

Raaaaambleeeee.

Goodbye.