Yes, that is how I'm currently feeling. I don't know.
My brother and I have been talking about the state of "shibby." That's one of his words. I guess that's how I feel, because it is apparently to feel everything and nothing at the same time. That's where I am. I'm overwhelmed, I guess.
Yesterday, I was getting used to the idea of moving in two months or so, today, I'm trying to grasp the idea that we're moving in less than three weeks. I have to start cleaning and packing tonight. It took me a decent while last time, so I'd better give myself awhile. We're looking for houses, talking about renting moving trucks, cleaning out Josh's apartment so that he can move in with us when we move...
I'm just feeling kind of sad. I don't know why exactly. I'm ready for change but I can't believe it's going to happen so soon.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
No help for that.
I saw my therapist today. She says there is something different about me, something better and happier. I can agree with that.
Though I would be much happier if I focused more on writing. Or painting. Or absolutely any of my "creative outlets" that I've kind of pushed aside for the past month or so.
how is your heart?
during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment--
I wouldn't call it
happiness--
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade--
this was the craziest kind of
contentment
and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror--
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.
Though I would be much happier if I focused more on writing. Or painting. Or absolutely any of my "creative outlets" that I've kind of pushed aside for the past month or so.
how is your heart?
during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment--
I wouldn't call it
happiness--
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.
it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.
to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade--
this was the craziest kind of
contentment
and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror--
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.
what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
GED is done!
Today was my second (last) day of testing. Yesterday was math and writing, today was science, social studies, and reading. I get my results in 3 to 4 weeks.
So happy that's over.
*
Cute, aren't they?
So happy that's over.
*
Cute, aren't they?
Life is more unreal than where you've been or how you feel.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Breakable.
In a sad way, it's nice to know that you're as fragile as I am. That, just as easily as you could break me, I could do the same to you. I don't ever want to do that to you. And I hope you'll never want to do that to me. I know you don't.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Relief.
Not a lot, but I feel like a weight has been taken from my shoulders.
I had a pretty long conversation today with my mother, about aspects of my life that she isn't really a part of... I told her things I've been wishing I could tell her for months now. We talked about love and loss and self-image and truth and lies. We talked about conditional and unconditional feelings, and beauty and life and where we'd like to be... It was interesting, and sad. I cried non-stop, throughout the entire conversation.
I'm good now, though. And I feel better about a lot of things. And I have some things I need to talk about with some people.
I don't know. Life is good, why don't I realize that more often?
I had a pretty long conversation today with my mother, about aspects of my life that she isn't really a part of... I told her things I've been wishing I could tell her for months now. We talked about love and loss and self-image and truth and lies. We talked about conditional and unconditional feelings, and beauty and life and where we'd like to be... It was interesting, and sad. I cried non-stop, throughout the entire conversation.
I'm good now, though. And I feel better about a lot of things. And I have some things I need to talk about with some people.
I don't know. Life is good, why don't I realize that more often?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Your love is so colorful.
I'm in an Ani DiFranco mood today.
You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I miss no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars
Good stuff!
I think I'm getting sick. My throat is all scratchy and weird sounding and I wake up with a stuffy nose. ;( Boo. When I get sick, I turn into a five year old, and all I want is my mommy. It's kind of pathetic. But she thinks it is cuuuute, which is good, because I can still get away with it, even at 18.
Oh, last night, I went on a major search-and-destroy mission for these stupid fucking GED testing info papers, and I finally found those bitches. RIGHT ON MY DESK. Fucking... fuck. I was annoyed but relieved. I have to be there by 8:15 am. Srsly? I haven't been up that early to actually go somewhere in a really long time. I'm so nervous. D: I should've spent the last entire month studying but, uh, I've been distracted? The best kind of distracted. I love distractions. >.>
*
I hate when I see PostSecrets about cocaine because I'm always afraid that my brother is thinking the same thing. Like, there was one a few months ago that I have saved but am too lazy to find, it's written on a Red Bull carton thing (you know?!), and it says, "I still like cocaine better." And then this week, there's one that says, "I want to use cocaine again so I can lose this extra weight." And I swear, the handwriting is similar, but I'm just being paranoid because he thinks PostSecret is stupid. Or at least he's said so before. But it still worries me. I don't want him to do that again.
*
http://www.offtoportland.blogspot.com/
Wow. I wish I had the guts to do anything like that. I can't even put into words how badly I want to leave Oklahoma, but I feel like I settled a long time ago. I was born and raised here, this is where my family is, this is where my life is. It'd be too risky to leave. How would I get to where I'm going? What would I do when I get there? ...A ton of questions came to mind when I thought about it, and I decided it was too much to handle, so I put it out of my mind. When I read things like the blog I just posted, it ignites that fire in me and makes me want to pack my shit and leave, no matter how scary it may be.
One day? Possibly. But not now.
When I think about leaving, my first thought is Trinity. I don't want to miss out on her childhood, I don't want to leave and come back one day to a teenager or an adult. It's one of the main things that hold me back. She's my baby girl.
I know I'm going to have to let go of her, and the rest of my friends and family, at some point if I actually want to live my life, but I'm not ready yet, and I don't see any reason why I need to be ready. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to do these things.
Anyway, I know exactly where I would go. I can dream for now, right?
You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I miss no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars
Good stuff!
I think I'm getting sick. My throat is all scratchy and weird sounding and I wake up with a stuffy nose. ;( Boo. When I get sick, I turn into a five year old, and all I want is my mommy. It's kind of pathetic. But she thinks it is cuuuute, which is good, because I can still get away with it, even at 18.
Oh, last night, I went on a major search-and-destroy mission for these stupid fucking GED testing info papers, and I finally found those bitches. RIGHT ON MY DESK. Fucking... fuck. I was annoyed but relieved. I have to be there by 8:15 am. Srsly? I haven't been up that early to actually go somewhere in a really long time. I'm so nervous. D: I should've spent the last entire month studying but, uh, I've been distracted? The best kind of distracted. I love distractions. >.>
*
I hate when I see PostSecrets about cocaine because I'm always afraid that my brother is thinking the same thing. Like, there was one a few months ago that I have saved but am too lazy to find, it's written on a Red Bull carton thing (you know?!), and it says, "I still like cocaine better." And then this week, there's one that says, "I want to use cocaine again so I can lose this extra weight." And I swear, the handwriting is similar, but I'm just being paranoid because he thinks PostSecret is stupid. Or at least he's said so before. But it still worries me. I don't want him to do that again.
*
http://www.offtoportland.blogspot.com/
Wow. I wish I had the guts to do anything like that. I can't even put into words how badly I want to leave Oklahoma, but I feel like I settled a long time ago. I was born and raised here, this is where my family is, this is where my life is. It'd be too risky to leave. How would I get to where I'm going? What would I do when I get there? ...A ton of questions came to mind when I thought about it, and I decided it was too much to handle, so I put it out of my mind. When I read things like the blog I just posted, it ignites that fire in me and makes me want to pack my shit and leave, no matter how scary it may be.
One day? Possibly. But not now.
When I think about leaving, my first thought is Trinity. I don't want to miss out on her childhood, I don't want to leave and come back one day to a teenager or an adult. It's one of the main things that hold me back. She's my baby girl.
I know I'm going to have to let go of her, and the rest of my friends and family, at some point if I actually want to live my life, but I'm not ready yet, and I don't see any reason why I need to be ready. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to do these things.
Anyway, I know exactly where I would go. I can dream for now, right?
Monday, January 12, 2009
Take me anywhere.
"Good things always come to an end."
Do they really have to? It makes me so sad to think that all of the things that make me so happy now could possibly be taken away from me, to think that all of the songs that make me think of you now could one day make me cry, to think that you could find someone better or more perfect for you than I am.
It's so hard to believe that all good things have to come to an end. The good things should last until the very end of time. Until we have no other choice. Until it isn't right anymore. I don't see this going wrong anywhere, so I don't know why I'm suddenly worried, but the idea of losing you is always at the back of my mind, and it frightens me more with every amazing day that passes because that's just one day closer to the day that this has to come to an end, whenever that may be.
I'm just rambling. :( I'm gonna stop now before I temporarily kill my happiness...
Do they really have to? It makes me so sad to think that all of the things that make me so happy now could possibly be taken away from me, to think that all of the songs that make me think of you now could one day make me cry, to think that you could find someone better or more perfect for you than I am.
It's so hard to believe that all good things have to come to an end. The good things should last until the very end of time. Until we have no other choice. Until it isn't right anymore. I don't see this going wrong anywhere, so I don't know why I'm suddenly worried, but the idea of losing you is always at the back of my mind, and it frightens me more with every amazing day that passes because that's just one day closer to the day that this has to come to an end, whenever that may be.
I'm just rambling. :( I'm gonna stop now before I temporarily kill my happiness...
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Mermaid Ladybug Butterfly!
I feel like, for the past two weeks, I've been living someone else's life. Things just feel so different now. So good, but so different. Life is lovely.
I don't know why I always feel (felt?) like I need(ed) a solid grasp on my future. I don't. I feel like I'm doing okay without it. Better than okay, actually. The things that were my main concerns are now in the back of my mind. I'm feeling free.
Also, I need to learn how to have better control of my emotions. They tend to show themselves, no matter how hard I try to hide them. They can control me sometimes. They get out of hand occasionally. I don't know. I'm a sensitive girl. I can go from laughing to crying in like, .5 seconds. It's one of the things I'm not so fond of in myself... But I'm handling it.
*
In order to be a stable human being, I must have a cat nearby. Hear that, future husband? We're going to have a cat or two. Yes, two. I know you won't have a problem with that, though. Or I hope. >.>
Okay, done rambling. Steph and Patti are almost here and I should go be social.
I don't know why I always feel (felt?) like I need(ed) a solid grasp on my future. I don't. I feel like I'm doing okay without it. Better than okay, actually. The things that were my main concerns are now in the back of my mind. I'm feeling free.
Also, I need to learn how to have better control of my emotions. They tend to show themselves, no matter how hard I try to hide them. They can control me sometimes. They get out of hand occasionally. I don't know. I'm a sensitive girl. I can go from laughing to crying in like, .5 seconds. It's one of the things I'm not so fond of in myself... But I'm handling it.
*
In order to be a stable human being, I must have a cat nearby. Hear that, future husband? We're going to have a cat or two. Yes, two. I know you won't have a problem with that, though. Or I hope. >.>
Okay, done rambling. Steph and Patti are almost here and I should go be social.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Happy.
I love that delirious kind of happy where all you can do is smile. It paralyzes me when I feel like that, and it is one of the best feelings possible... A constant stream of happiness flowing through my body, through every limb, down to the the tips of my fingers and toes. A tingling sensation. Absolutely amazing. It's so rare that this feeling comes. In fact, it's been too long since I last felt it, so I'm holding onto this for as long as I can.
*
It was almost like waking up with you. It felt like you were there.
*
Good day. I'm speechless right now.
*
It was almost like waking up with you. It felt like you were there.
*
Good day. I'm speechless right now.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Polar opposites.
I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately.
I try to recognize my patterns so that I can finally pinpoint what brings me to this, whatever this is. This feeling, this emotion, this dead end. Polar opposite emotions, on the verge of tears with a smile on my face, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand my patterns, I can't figure myself out.
...When I read back over things I write here, it always seems like I'm panicking while writing them. I'm not, I'm just torn. Confused.
About a lot of things. A lot of emotions, a lot of situations, a lot of relationships. These new questions are coming to me, Is this healthy for me? Should I really be doing this? and I force myself to say yes, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm right.
I've felt so off lately. I've been neglecting myself, not focusing on my needs, not trying to keep myself centered. I'm the furthest thing from centered right now. I don't know how to get back to where I need to be.
At the very least, I'm writing a little bit again. Something to be happy about. I want to write more. I don't care if I write stories or poetry or even journal entries. I miss the feeling.
*
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm really afraid of going. =/ I have no idea what I'm going to tell her. I don't want to tell her the medication isn't working when it really might be. Why do I keep saying it might be when I'm actually feeling worse now than before? Anyway, I don't know. I don't want to try anything else. I'm sick of this. I don't want to have to take those pills every day, I don't want to go temporarily crazy when I miss one day, I want to DRINK, goddamn it.
I want a purple glitterly dress, okay? That's all I want. I'd feel better, I swear.
I don't know what I'm going on about.
I need food and water. I'm off.
I try to recognize my patterns so that I can finally pinpoint what brings me to this, whatever this is. This feeling, this emotion, this dead end. Polar opposite emotions, on the verge of tears with a smile on my face, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand my patterns, I can't figure myself out.
...When I read back over things I write here, it always seems like I'm panicking while writing them. I'm not, I'm just torn. Confused.
About a lot of things. A lot of emotions, a lot of situations, a lot of relationships. These new questions are coming to me, Is this healthy for me? Should I really be doing this? and I force myself to say yes, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm right.
I've felt so off lately. I've been neglecting myself, not focusing on my needs, not trying to keep myself centered. I'm the furthest thing from centered right now. I don't know how to get back to where I need to be.
At the very least, I'm writing a little bit again. Something to be happy about. I want to write more. I don't care if I write stories or poetry or even journal entries. I miss the feeling.
*
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm really afraid of going. =/ I have no idea what I'm going to tell her. I don't want to tell her the medication isn't working when it really might be. Why do I keep saying it might be when I'm actually feeling worse now than before? Anyway, I don't know. I don't want to try anything else. I'm sick of this. I don't want to have to take those pills every day, I don't want to go temporarily crazy when I miss one day, I want to DRINK, goddamn it.
I want a purple glitterly dress, okay? That's all I want. I'd feel better, I swear.
I don't know what I'm going on about.
I need food and water. I'm off.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Oh, Steeeeeeeph!
I promise you that I will set aside time to write every day, no matter how shitty or unmotivated I feel! You better work on your project, too. I love you. =D
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Frustration.
I keep coming in and out of good and bad, and I'm tired of feeling unstable. I could repeat myself a thousand times, and write the same things I always say, but it wouldn't change anything, only frustrate me more.
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to double the my dosage of one of my medications. I'm worried.
*
I'm also frustrated that I got myself out of the writing habit. Every day for nearly two months, I spent hours a day focusing on my writing, and once I finished my NaNo shit, I stopped. I thought I'd take a break for a few days, maybe a week, and a month and a half later, here I am, not writing at all.
Not even in my journal. It's like I have no new thoughts. It's making me feel so shitty and unimaginative.
*
THIS IS NOT FUN OR GOOD OR NICE. I want to hide. :(
Tomorrow, I'm supposed to double the my dosage of one of my medications. I'm worried.
*
I'm also frustrated that I got myself out of the writing habit. Every day for nearly two months, I spent hours a day focusing on my writing, and once I finished my NaNo shit, I stopped. I thought I'd take a break for a few days, maybe a week, and a month and a half later, here I am, not writing at all.
Not even in my journal. It's like I have no new thoughts. It's making me feel so shitty and unimaginative.
*
THIS IS NOT FUN OR GOOD OR NICE. I want to hide. :(
Monday, January 5, 2009
Friends.
What an interesting few days it has been.
I never realized how much connections with my friends altered my emotional state. I mean, it sounds like an obvious thing, but after such a long time of being indifferent towards my relationships with them, I never noticed. And then suddenly becoming aware of how much I need them has been a good experience for me.
I want to say I'll never take them for granted again, but I'm sure there will be points where I slip back down to where I've been and I'll stop caring for some time again, but I believe I'll come back from that sooner rather than later.
I'm exhausted, missing Kevin, talking to Andy, listening to the Rent soundtrack, and about to go to bed. Goodnight.
I never realized how much connections with my friends altered my emotional state. I mean, it sounds like an obvious thing, but after such a long time of being indifferent towards my relationships with them, I never noticed. And then suddenly becoming aware of how much I need them has been a good experience for me.
I want to say I'll never take them for granted again, but I'm sure there will be points where I slip back down to where I've been and I'll stop caring for some time again, but I believe I'll come back from that sooner rather than later.
I'm exhausted, missing Kevin, talking to Andy, listening to the Rent soundtrack, and about to go to bed. Goodnight.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Magic.
Do you remember when you were younger, when you'd get a new coloring book and a brand new box of crayons, and there was so much magic surrounding them that you didn't want to mark on the pages or touch the crayons yet? You didn't want to ruin a perfectly good picture, or break a crayon, and you just kind of stared in wonder for a long time. What was so appealing about a new box of crayons? I don't know, but I still act this way.
I don't know if that was just me or if that was everyone, but my point in saying this is that there is so much magic surrounding my idea of 2009 that I'm afraid to dive in and get started. I've just been wondering desperately how I can possibly begin working towards achieving my goals without taking the magic out of it all.
I know it isn't all going to be pretty and fun and sparkly, but I'm going to do my best to keep most things that way. I'm just not sure where or when to start. I'm not ready to potentially make a mistake on the canvas of 2009, or break one of my precious crayons. You know?
I don't know if that was just me or if that was everyone, but my point in saying this is that there is so much magic surrounding my idea of 2009 that I'm afraid to dive in and get started. I've just been wondering desperately how I can possibly begin working towards achieving my goals without taking the magic out of it all.
I know it isn't all going to be pretty and fun and sparkly, but I'm going to do my best to keep most things that way. I'm just not sure where or when to start. I'm not ready to potentially make a mistake on the canvas of 2009, or break one of my precious crayons. You know?
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hello 2009!
My year started off wonderfully, alongside Steph and Kelly Jo.
Pretty girls.
We watched the ball drop on TV. I had the goofiest smile on my face. I was so excited that it was 2009. I still am excited. A new year. A new start. KJ had to leave around 12:30, so we said goodbye to her and then spent about two more hours just fucking around, talking and laughing.
I couldn't sleep well last night, so I was up by 8 am and was waking Steph up to go get breakfast. We spent most of the day together, until 2 pm, and then she left. I went to my dad's house with my brother and spent some time with them until about 4, when Patti called and said she was headed home. Josh and I went and picked her up, and then Steph and KJ came back over to hang out for awhile.
So... it was really good. I was genuinely happy and at ease with them. And I think Steph is coming over again tomorrow! Very nice.
*
I lied about not making resolutions. I made one at the last minute: to curse less. When I get angry, ever other word is "fuck" or "cunt" or "goddamn it" and I'm hoping to clean that up a little bit. :)
I swore to myself that I wouldn't get upset on New Years Day, but I did anyway. Steph was upset about something and had to leave, and I was ridiculously worried, and ended up crying on the way home from dropping Patti off at her house. I pulled myself together quickly, though. And I think Steph is okay now, so all is well.
(I love you, Stephanie. I'm going to keep that piece of wax paper forever and ever.)
*
I don't really have any thoughts today. I'm just looking forward to a good year.
Pretty girls.
We watched the ball drop on TV. I had the goofiest smile on my face. I was so excited that it was 2009. I still am excited. A new year. A new start. KJ had to leave around 12:30, so we said goodbye to her and then spent about two more hours just fucking around, talking and laughing.
I couldn't sleep well last night, so I was up by 8 am and was waking Steph up to go get breakfast. We spent most of the day together, until 2 pm, and then she left. I went to my dad's house with my brother and spent some time with them until about 4, when Patti called and said she was headed home. Josh and I went and picked her up, and then Steph and KJ came back over to hang out for awhile.
So... it was really good. I was genuinely happy and at ease with them. And I think Steph is coming over again tomorrow! Very nice.
*
I lied about not making resolutions. I made one at the last minute: to curse less. When I get angry, ever other word is "fuck" or "cunt" or "goddamn it" and I'm hoping to clean that up a little bit. :)
I swore to myself that I wouldn't get upset on New Years Day, but I did anyway. Steph was upset about something and had to leave, and I was ridiculously worried, and ended up crying on the way home from dropping Patti off at her house. I pulled myself together quickly, though. And I think Steph is okay now, so all is well.
(I love you, Stephanie. I'm going to keep that piece of wax paper forever and ever.)
*
I don't really have any thoughts today. I'm just looking forward to a good year.
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