Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

Yes, that is how I'm currently feeling. I don't know.

My brother and I have been talking about the state of "shibby." That's one of his words. I guess that's how I feel, because it is apparently to feel everything and nothing at the same time. That's where I am. I'm overwhelmed, I guess.

Yesterday, I was getting used to the idea of moving in two months or so, today, I'm trying to grasp the idea that we're moving in less than three weeks. I have to start cleaning and packing tonight. It took me a decent while last time, so I'd better give myself awhile. We're looking for houses, talking about renting moving trucks, cleaning out Josh's apartment so that he can move in with us when we move...

I'm just feeling kind of sad. I don't know why exactly. I'm ready for change but I can't believe it's going to happen so soon.

Stop talking.

I think I'm done here for now.

No help for that.

I saw my therapist today. She says there is something different about me, something better and happier. I can agree with that.

Though I would be much happier if I focused more on writing. Or painting. Or absolutely any of my "creative outlets" that I've kind of pushed aside for the past month or so.



how is your heart?

during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment--
I wouldn't call it
happiness--
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.

it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.

to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade--
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror--
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.

what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

GED is done!

Today was my second (last) day of testing. Yesterday was math and writing, today was science, social studies, and reading. I get my results in 3 to 4 weeks.

So happy that's over.

*






Cute, aren't they?

Life is more unreal than where you've been or how you feel.

Breakable.

In a sad way, it's nice to know that you're as fragile as I am. That, just as easily as you could break me, I could do the same to you. I don't ever want to do that to you. And I hope you'll never want to do that to me. I know you don't.

Relief.

Not a lot, but I feel like a weight has been taken from my shoulders.

I had a pretty long conversation today with my mother, about aspects of my life that she isn't really a part of... I told her things I've been wishing I could tell her for months now. We talked about love and loss and self-image and truth and lies. We talked about conditional and unconditional feelings, and beauty and life and where we'd like to be... It was interesting, and sad. I cried non-stop, throughout the entire conversation.

I'm good now, though. And I feel better about a lot of things. And I have some things I need to talk about with some people.

I don't know. Life is good, why don't I realize that more often?

Your love is so colorful.

I'm in an Ani DiFranco mood today.

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I miss no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

Good stuff!

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is all scratchy and weird sounding and I wake up with a stuffy nose. ;( Boo. When I get sick, I turn into a five year old, and all I want is my mommy. It's kind of pathetic. But she thinks it is cuuuute, which is good, because I can still get away with it, even at 18.

Oh, last night, I went on a major search-and-destroy mission for these stupid fucking GED testing info papers, and I finally found those bitches. RIGHT ON MY DESK. Fucking... fuck. I was annoyed but relieved. I have to be there by 8:15 am. Srsly? I haven't been up that early to actually go somewhere in a really long time. I'm so nervous. D: I should've spent the last entire month studying but, uh, I've been distracted? The best kind of distracted. I love distractions. >.>

*

I hate when I see PostSecrets about cocaine because I'm always afraid that my brother is thinking the same thing. Like, there was one a few months ago that I have saved but am too lazy to find, it's written on a Red Bull carton thing (you know?!), and it says, "I still like cocaine better." And then this week, there's one that says, "I want to use cocaine again so I can lose this extra weight." And I swear, the handwriting is similar, but I'm just being paranoid because he thinks PostSecret is stupid. Or at least he's said so before. But it still worries me. I don't want him to do that again.

*

http://www.offtoportland.blogspot.com/

Wow. I wish I had the guts to do anything like that. I can't even put into words how badly I want to leave Oklahoma, but I feel like I settled a long time ago. I was born and raised here, this is where my family is, this is where my life is. It'd be too risky to leave. How would I get to where I'm going? What would I do when I get there? ...A ton of questions came to mind when I thought about it, and I decided it was too much to handle, so I put it out of my mind. When I read things like the blog I just posted, it ignites that fire in me and makes me want to pack my shit and leave, no matter how scary it may be.

One day? Possibly. But not now.

When I think about leaving, my first thought is Trinity. I don't want to miss out on her childhood, I don't want to leave and come back one day to a teenager or an adult. It's one of the main things that hold me back. She's my baby girl.

I know I'm going to have to let go of her, and the rest of my friends and family, at some point if I actually want to live my life, but I'm not ready yet, and I don't see any reason why I need to be ready. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to do these things.

Anyway, I know exactly where I would go. I can dream for now, right?