Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst

Oh, oh, oh, brother totem pole
I saw your legends lined up
And I never felt more natural
Apart, I just came apart

Please, please, please sister Socrates
You always answer with a question
Show some kindness to a petty theif
Forgive, you did forgive

And watched the migrants smoke in the old orange grove
And the red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

You've been a father to me
Your 1960's speak
Give me comatose joy like we're on TV
While the mountain's side was shining wild colors of my destiny

I watched your face age backwards
Changing shape in my memory
You taught me victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

Hey, hey, hey mother interstate
Can you deliver me from evil
Make me honest, make me wedding cake
Atone, I will atone

Wait, wait, wait mighty outer space
All that flying saucer terror
Made me lazy drinking lemonade
A waste, it just went to waste

Like the Freon cold out the hotel door
Or the white rocket fade over Cape Canaveral

You've been a daughter to be
Your buried shoebox grief
I felt your poltergeist love like Savannah heat
While the waterfall was pouring crazy symbols of my destiny

I watched your face die backwards
Little baby in my memory
You told me victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

And you don't just me, that's not your style
But I won't see you for a little while
And there's no worries, oh Lord, whose got time
All these changes gonna fill your mind

Like the citrus glow off the old orange grove
Or the red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

It's been a nightmare for me
Some 1980's grief
Gives me parachute dreams like old war movies
While the universe was drawing perfect circles form infinity

I watched the stars get smaller
Tiny diamonds in my memory
I know that victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

Today.

I'm trying to learn how to string two words of my own together again.
I'm feeling sad yet satisfied.
(I'm realizing that doesn't make a lot of sense.)
I'm wanting to curl up next to my love.
I'm needing to get away for awhile.
I'm wishing I had more to say.



I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid intwined together on a bed of clovers
Left there to sleep, left there to dream
In their happiness.

Glitter.

Me: I'm not feeling very... sparkly right now.
Josh: Do you want me to throw glitter on you?


Yes, I would like that very much.





Now that it's June, we'll sleep out in the garden
And if it rains, we'll just sink in to the mud
Where it is quiet and much cooler than the house is
And there is no clocks or phones to wake us up
Because I have learned that nothing is as pressing
As the one who is pressing would like you to believe
And I'm content to walk a little slower
Because there's nowhere that I really need to be
I find that life is easier when it's just a blur
With no details to confuse who or what or where I was
So when the ending comes, the full regret will seem obscure

But these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold
And this apartment could not be prettier as when we danced up there alone
This TV's old, the color's fucked, do you see the difference in the shades?
But the green is still close to green, my love
And I believe we are the same
And we'll stay like this, all gold and green
The light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen
And if you close your eyes
We will always be the way we were that night
When you crawled inside of me
And slept in my blood the way you sleep now
The quietest hush has consumed this house
And when the doctors have gone and you sweat through the bed
With the pictures and pills they piled around your head
Just rest now, and in a moment you'll know everything
Was it just a dream?
It's too vague now to recount
And outline of the one you loved in a life that was that not longer will be
Stands above you
As you sleep

Merry Christmas.

Some people, when handed a miracle, push it away. Why? When perfection stands before you, giving you its heart, why would you reject it? Why would you ever tell anyone that they are worthless, a waste of time? Really, say what you want to say, but everyone has worth, and I can't believe you would think someone who cared for you so much didn't.

I can't stop thinking about the way you sounded last night, and how badly I wanted to wrap my arms around you, kiss your forehead, tell you how much you mean to me, and how wrong she was. Even though you seem to be past it now, it makes me so sad that anyone would say such things. It's so wrong.

*

Christmas has been interesting. I met my dad's girlfriend last night and she ended up being sweeter than I could've imagined. After that, the rest of the night was... mindblowing. Still recovering. Today, I woke up around noon and headed to my cousin's house, where I helped my aunt cook (okay, more like, I helped her make a huge mess in the kitchen) and played with Trinity.

While I was there, someone made me a White Russian and I'm thinking that's where I made a mistake. Long story short, got sick, went home, passed out, woke up, feeling better, here I am.

So yeah, Merry Christmas.

Sleepy!

I'm tired of apologizing for feeling a certain way. I don't think I'm going to do that anymore.

I was a little bit weepy today at random moments, and I think it all stemmed from having trouble sleeping, which isn't anything new, but it was worse last night. I woke up in a strange mood, after having a really weird dream, and the first emotion I fully felt was guilt, which lead me to my last post. After that, I felt better, and just went back and forth from good to bad all day long.

I went for a long drive with my brother and we didn't talk. I like the silence between us. It feels peaceful. But while we were driving, I got a new potential idea for a story. I'm going to play around with it a little bit, see if I can come up with some decent plot to go along with it, and then start to work on it. Hell, I might just start anyway, without knowing exactly how it's gonna go. Waiting is just wasting time.

I made a collage tonight. First one in... months? I don't know, I didn't enjoy making it. I was kind of angry the whole time. I don't know why. It isn't very good, either. I mean, how can it not be good? I'm not exactly sure, but I don't like it. Probably because I didn't have fun making it! Anyway, I don't know, it was all cut-outs from music magazines and shit like that, shit I don't really care about anymore. It just takes too much time to cut a bazillion tiny (or big) scraps from magazines and such. I should get started on that soon, though, and then actually make something when I'm a little happier and more relaxed.

I'm freaking exhausted. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Goodnight!

Guilt.

Right now, I am feeling consumed by the guilt of ruining an important part of my life. It was my choice to ruin it, I didn't do it on accident, but it's gone now, and I'm feeling shitty about it.

I always think that I'm the last person who would hurt someone else on purpose, but I feel like that is exactly what I did. I willingly let go, I let him say goodbye, I let that chapter of my life close without looking back once.

I'm not sorry that I fell in love with someone, but I am sorry that I left someone in pain in the process.

And this new chapter is wonderful, beautiful, amazing, but something tells me you didn't get over it as easily as I did, and that you're suffering while I'm happy. I'm sorry. I was no good for you in the first place. You and I, we had so much in common, yet somehow were so different, and I couldn't get over how opposite of me you were. I needed someone who was in sync with me, who felt the way I felt, and it wasn't you.

You tell me you won't stop loving me, but I wish you would. It would make your life a hell of a lot easier. Your love for me just holds you back. Don't force yourself to hold onto it. Find someone better. She's out there.


Either way, no matter what you do, I can't allow myself to feel guilty about it. We live different lives, and I let go of you a long time ago. As a lover, at least. As a friend... not so much. I will miss that. I will miss you. But I have to forgive myself for hurting you. I didn't want to, I didn't mean to, but it happened, and there isn't anything I can do about it now.

I'm forgiving myself.

Quiet world.

Today was nice.



I got to play with this sweetheart for a few minutes. She lives somewhere around here, and was sitting on top of this Pepsi machine across from my apartments when I got home today. She jumped down to greet me, crawled right into my lap, and began purring the second I scratched her neck. Absolutely adorable. I didn't want to leave her, because it was 20 degrees outside and I had nothing better to do (what in the world is better than loving on a cat?), but I was sitting in front of the vending machine and some man came up glaring at me, so I hopped up and went home. I love the kitty. I want one so bad!

Going back to before the kitty-love, I went for a walk this morning. It was pleasant. The wind wasn't blowing and the sun was out, so I wasn't too cold. The lake behind my apartment was frozen solid! So awesome. I walked along it, until I saw the water moving again, and just stared out at the ducks for awhile. It was nice to be alone, since I never get the chance anymore, with my brother here...

A woman across the lake came out of her apartment and said hello to me, and asked if me to come visit her. Strangely, I began walking towards her. She just seemed so sweet, I couldn't say no. Plus, I decided I'd be more open, and talk to more strangers. :) Ahaha. So anyway, I got to her apartment and she invited me in, and then hugged me. She was very sweet. Her brother offered me coffee and then joined us at the kitchen table, where I was telling her about my family. She asked if I was married, and I answered, "Oh, no. I'm only 18!" and she began talking about her first marriage... I don't know, it was interesting. And fun. Her brother asked me if I had any hobbies and I told him I was a writer. I told him I also painted and did "other various artsy things." I didn't mean to say it like that, but it came out that way. ;D

The woman showed me some things she'd crocheted, and some pictures of her family. She's originally from New York. I broke out my camera and showed her my baby girl and my brother. I don't know, it was nice. Something I've never dared to do before. I wish I wasn't so tame. Maybe I should make my New Years resolution something to with not being this way all the time.


Around 9, my mom and I went to this Christmas lights display that's pretty popular around here. I took some pictures.





The multi-colored ones were definitely my favorite.

These look like giant purple mushrooms!


Pretty. I haven't been in years. I wish I was more in the Christmas spirit. I'm just ignoring it this year, it feels like. I mean, today is the 22nd and I'm still not finished with shopping (and not really interested in finishing!), no decorations are up around here... I don't know why. Too much other stuff going on.

Next year, I want to make an extra effort to enjoy the holidays. Did I mention this already? Oh well, I'm repeating myself, if I did. I'm going to do something special for every holiday next year, even if it's something really tiny. It'll be better than what I did this year (nothing!) for sure.

Oh, I just decided that I want a piano in my house when I grow up (it feels strange saying that) and get married. No, I don't know how to play piano, but I still want one. They're beautiful.

Good day.

I got a pretty nice surprise this morning when I woke up. My clock said it was nearly 2 pm, and I felt like a total bum, so I rolled out of bed immediately. I came to the computer then to listen to music and finish last night's blog and it turned out to actually be 1 pm! So, I'm not the bum I thought I was. :) I actually sort of have an excuse for sleeping so late: I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. I don't know why. But I was getting very annoyed by the time 2:30 rolled around, and I was about to give up when suddenly, I passed out. Nice.

Today was magical. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but why is that ever necessary for magic to happen? I went out with my brother and picked up something for my mom (for Christmas) and then had lunch. A few hours later, Steph came over and spent the evening with us, just talking and watching TV, laughing, making plans for New Years (!!!), and talking about road trips in 2009.

I'm really excited for 2009. I keep heaving these big, happy sighs. I don't know. I want January to get here already.

Anyway, good day. Tomorrow will be good, too.

Oh, new Christmas development: NOT going out of town now! I feel a little guilty for saying I'm happy about it. That means a quiet, small celebration, with my closest family. No worries about anxiety! Good news. I think we're going over to my cousin Genie's house and I'll get to spend the day playing with Trinity. That's pretty much my idea for a perfect Christmas. Maybe a little bit of snow, some hot chocolate, and Nick and Cody. I'm sad I won't get to see them.

Oh, and my grandma. I think we might go see her on Christmas Eve anyway.

It's before midnight and I'm exhausted already. I'll be up until 1:30 or so though, at the very least. Luckily, this promises no tossing and turning, because I'll be so tired by the time I go to bed that I'll be asleep before my head hits the pillow.

Hopefully.

Tomorrow, I will work on some collages and paint more. I spent an hour or so painting today, for the first time in weeks. It was pleasant. Painting always makes me feel so balanced when I'm feeling off. It is soothing.

I'm going to lie on the floor and listen to the Hairspray soundtrack (ahaha) for awhile. Goodnight.

Thoughts.

Sometimes, there is nothing left to say.

I have to learn to be okay with that. When I am drained of words and thoughts and feelings, I have to learn to breathe and give myself time to recover, rather than trying to force these things out of me. Why am I doing that? If there's nothing there in the first place, nothing is going to come. I guess I never realized it until today.

I don't know if that makes sense. I think it does.

I need to figure out how to fix some things. Love does wonderful things to me, but it does have a not-so-wonderful effect on me, too. The self-hatred that I sometimes feel (I'm not good enough, pretty enough, there is someone way better out there, etc.) weakens my soul. I think that is where I am right now. And believe me, I'm working to fix it. Every day, I get a little better, but it's a slow process and I won't be able to fix it over night. In the meantime, I'm sorry for the way I get sometimes. Everyone in my life does a wonderful job of making me feel loved and wanted and accepted, and never give up on me, even when I try to push it away. I appreciate that.

I need to go back to the place I was in when I had more fun, went out more, had better relationships with my friends, cared less about how I look. I miss being that person. I want to be her again.

I want to be able to manage myself when I get knocked off balance, when things don't feel right. I want to know exactly how to fix it, how to put myself back to where I'm supposed to be, or to where I want to be.

I mean, it could be the medication, or it could just be me. Either way, month-long periods of depression coming back suddenly aren't my idea of enjoying the holiday season.

In fact, I've barely been thinking about Christmas. I've done most (oops) of my shopping, and once that was out of the way, I focused on something else entirely. I can't believe today is the 21st. No decorations are out in my house, not even the tree. Maybe next year, I ought to make an extra effort to enjoy and celebrate the holidays. I haven't in years, even though I know how magical they used to be to me. They've just lost their sparkle. Or maybe I've lost mine.

I'll get it back.

I'm done for now.

Dear 2008,

Though I've come out with many good memories to hold close to me, you as a whole haven't been that great. Same with 2007, but we'll avoid going back there. It has been nothing but insanity since summer of '07, and I honestly expected it to end this year, but it didn't.

But now, on December 20th, I can feel that things have been winding down. My life is more calm, things are more in order, I'm getting to where I need to be. I'm hoping that 2009 brings change, and lots of it.

I want to shift who I am. I want to take more pictures. I want to step out of my comfort zone (repeatedly). I want to reconnect with old friends and make new friends. I want to figure out what I want to do. I want to have some kind of plan. I want to get things in order, but I don't want to know what's going to happen along the way. A life with no surprises would be so boring. But... I don't know, I just want to be sure things aren't the way they were this year. I want to start the new year right. I want to stay in love. I want to explore what that (love) means, and I want to expand it. I want to feel stable and secure in my own life. I want to be okay with the parts of me that I try to hide or conceal or ignore. I want to learn how to find the positive in every situation. I want to learn.

So... I feel like I've got quite the year ahead of me. Who knows if I'll actually accomplish anything I have planned, but it's all definitely worth a try.


(I borrowed the Dear 2008 idea from www.dancingmermaid.com!)

Ooh, ahh!

TODAY I WORKED ON MY NEW SHORT STORY.

Oh, it isn't very good, and it's totally cliche, but I don't really care. I'm just glad I'm writing!

I could give some really gross details of my day, but instead I'll just say... Hello there, monthly visitor. >:(

I hate it when women use their periods as excuses to be bitches. I mean, I can understand a little bit of crabbiness and irritability, maybe a few random cries, but if you're constantly being a bitch for the entire month, it isn't because of your period, it's because you're a FUCKING BITCH.

Anyway! I'm feeling really great right now. I'm going hug life now.

Meow again.

Today is the first day I've woken up (and stayed up) before noon in over a week. I only got up for my brother, but I wrote a little bit, and now I can't fall back to sleep. Probably better to stay up anyway. I have things to do.

I have therapy today. I'm going to give her my journal, I think, because it explains things better than I can. I'm so awkward when I actually speak. >.< Well, to people of authority, at least. But she's really sweet, and deals with my stumbling over words and random five-minute-long pauses to play with a strand of my hair or stare out the window or write something down. Short attention span. Not with everything, though. Christmas is in a week. I still haven't done all of my shopping (good move, right?). I'll probably finish today, when Josh and I go out.

I have to be honest, after a nearly-sober Thanksgiving, I'm really not looking forward to Christmas. I can't drink at all right now because of my medication. I didn't really care when it was just Abilify, but I've been on Lamictal before and it is powerful and I fear it. Seriously. >.> I was talking to my mom about it yesterday, and she just laughed at me and said, "I guess living in fear is the best way to motivate you!" Oh yeah, that's nice. I hope she doesn't take advantage of that.

I've got a new idea for a short story. I don't know. It's barely anything right now, but I've got a few general ideas of how it could go. I might work on that soon, so that I'll have something else to do rather the flood my blog with pointless posts where I talk about how much I want to write but can't.

I say "I don't know" too much. I'm not as unsure of myself as I make it sound.

So I'm gonna get some orange juice and then curl up on the couch with a blanket and a notebook now. This makes me feel like a cat, I do not know why.

Oh, before I go, if reincarnation was real, I'd seriously want to come back as a cat. I already "meow" on a daily basis, probably numerous times, and I can purr, and I sleep a lot and like to cuddle... I would be the perfect cat. Goodbye. ;D


edit: Hi. I went to therapy. It was an interesting mix of "Holy fuck, I'm so happy!" and "Oh God, why am I so miserable?" Ahahaha...

I don't think this medication is working right!

Alsoooo, why do I feel so horribly inadequate compared to her? And who is comparing me to her other than me? Seriously. Someone should beat me or something.

Oh, back to therapy. I love Dr. Smasal, she is so fucking awesome.

Okay, done, bye.

I want to travel.

More later, maybe.

I'm kind of crazy.

I'm sorry I'm so insecure! I'm working on it, I swear, and it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

Anyway, the predicted ice storm didn't actually come. Just some sleet and a little bit of snow, I think. So happy, because I don't think I could tolerate another 8 days of no power! That wasn't very fun. But for some reason, Tulsa Public Schools were out today, and are out tomorrow, and I think that means Steph should come see me. I bet she won't see this, though. >.>

Today was good. I woke up at sometime after noon to someone screaming right outside my door. Turned out, Trinity was here for the day because her daycare was closed. She was still being really clingy with me, so she spent most of the afternoon saying, "Lissa! Let's paint! Let's dance! Let's play!" She took a nap around 3 and when she woke up, she came straight to me, and then we spent the next 45 minutes cuddling on the couch. It was sweeeeeeet. I love her so much.


On a somewhat similar note, I'm so sick of being around people constantly. Go the fuck away, you assholes. No, that's really mean... I just wish my brother would go home and my mother would go to work at the same time one day so that I can be alone. Boooooo.

This is probably the most I've written in a few weeks. Nice.

Going For The Gold

...by Bright Eyes

There's a voice on the phone
Telling what had happened
Some kind of confusion
More like a disaster
And it wondered how you were left unaffected
But you had no knowledge
No, the chemicals covered you
And so a jury was formed as more
Liquor was poured
No need for conviction
They're not thirsting for justice
But I slept with the lies I keep inside my head
I found out I was guilty
I found out I was guilty
But I won't be around for the sentencing
'Cause I'm leaving on the next airplane
And though I know that my actions are impossible to justify
They seem adequate to fill up my time
But if I could talk to myself
Like I was someone else
Well then maybe I could take your advice
And I wouldn't act like such an asshole all the time

There's a film on the wall
Makes the people look small
Who are sitting beside it
All consumed in the drama
They must return to their lives once the hero has died
They will drive to their office
Stopping somewhere for coffee
Where the folk singers, poets, and playwrights convene
Dispensing their wisdom
Oh, dear amateur orators

They will detail their pain in some standard refrain
They will recite their sadness
Like it's some kind of contest
Well, if it is, I think I am winning it
All beaming with confidence
As I make my final lap
The gold metal gleams
So hang it around my neck
'Cause I am deserving it:
The champion of idiots

But a kid carries his Walkman on that long bus ride to Omaha
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin
'Cause each note sounds so pure, it just cuts into her
And then the melody comes pouring out her eyes
Now, to me, everything else, it just sounds like a lie

Finally.

I've been feeling so much better since yesterday. In fact, it's so odd, the way I'm feeling today. Absolutely everything is making me smile/laugh. I don't know. I love it.

I'm only a little bit sad that my brother is so depressed. It kind of makes me feel guilty for being so happy. :/

Uhhhhh, I don't really have anything to say. Oh, except I'm not having all kinds of ridiculous side effects from my new medication, which is nice, because a few years ago, it wasn't very kind to me! But I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, so that could be part of that, or the Abilify, maybe. Huh.

I'M TOTALLY NOT HATING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, BY THE WAY.

Okay, so I'm gonna have breakfast and clean/watch movies all day!

Sweet love.

Trinity came over tonight and she was absolutely precious. She was clinging to me for some reason (she isn't usually like that), and I was squeezing her to my chest, kissing her all over her face and head. It was very sweet. I feel a lot better now. I think I've missed her.

I'm not going to college.

There, I said it. I don't want to go to college. I don't really care. I just want to write. I don't need a degree. I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything like that. I don't want to spend however many years of my life in school while I could be living my life in other ways. Yes, I want to finish school. I want my high school diploma (or the equivilant). I want to do something great, but that doesn't mean I have to go to college. That is not the only path, and anyone who wants to tell me it is can choke on a dick. Seriously. And that goes for my father, too. I'm so sick of his bullshit. I'm sorry if I'm not doing things at your pace, but I'm taking it slow and doing this the way I want to do it. There's no rush, or there shouldn't be. God, I don't even CARE. I don't care I don't care I don't care, I'm not going, I don't care if you think I'm going to fail in life without it. I don't want to go to college. I'm not going to college. Fuck it. If that makes me a loser, I'm okay with that.

Mornings!

I love mornings so much. I should start waking up at 7 am everyday!

...I say that now, but tomorrow, I'll probably sleep until noon.

I'm feeling so much better today. More myself than I have been the past few days. I have a lot of energy, which is great because I have a ton of things to do, like start on my next project, which I'm going to do in like, 20 minutes. And I also should clean, but uh, no thanks. Not today. ;D

I've barely started Christmas shopping. I'm going to regret it. Normally, I'd be done by the middle of November (I start early) and wouldn't have to worry about it, but I didn't really give a fuck in November, so... I need to get started on that.

OH. Moving is for sure now. My mom keeps going on about how apartment-living isn't for her (WHY?) and she wants a house again, and my brother is saying things about how his lease is up soon and he's going to quit his job to go to school and will need somewhere to live. Very interesting. Oh, those aren't the only indications. We've talked about it. I don't really have a say. I don't really care. Sick of moving around, but will if I have to. Maybe I should start packing up all the shit I don't use now, to avoid last minute rushing. Unless, of course, we're not moving until June... Then I'll start in a few months.

Goddamn it.

I'm not going to worry about it now. In fact, I'm not going to worry about it at all. It'll be okay.


My toes are cold. I need more orange juice. And it is now time to start working on stuff. ;D

Old Xanga posts!

Hahahaha, oh fuck.

3/27/2007

I love the fact that you can't cry when you're drowning. You can scream (but no one will hear you) and you can struggle (but no one will see you), but you cannot cry.

HAHAHA, what the fuck was wrong with me?

2/27/2007

So here's my plan for tomorrow:

-Pick Steph up at BTW at 3:20.
-Have sex in the backseat of a car with her.
-Then drop her off at home.

I remember that day! No actual sex occured. >.>

2/24/07

I swear to God, I should slap the shit out of my brother for being such a dumbass. For telling his little sister than he tried coke last night. For asking for my permission to do it in the house. For condemning everything I do that he doesn't agree with, but for expecting me to be okay with this.

Along with this post, I also wrote about how I threatened to kill him, but that's a little too crazy for me to post. And no, I wasn't threatening to kill him for this. I don't really remember why exactly I did it, but I regretted it.

2/16/07

I'm off to Missouri for the weekend. Yeah, I didn't know either until last night. Leila didn't know if she had a car or not, then she called and was like, "HEY! I got a car, we're going!" and I'm like, "...OKAY!" and then yeah. The end.

Oh, what a huuuge mistake that was...

2/09/2007

Sometimes I pretend like things mean more to me than they really do. I was just typing on here, writing about how I don't want to take more medication and become a zombie... But honestly, I don't care. I wanted to make it seem like I did, though.

Hmmm.

There are plenty more, but I'm done.

Okay.

I miss writing. I write about writing, I constantly think about writing, I just can't actually DO IT for some reason. I just keep putting it off, thinking, I'll do it tomorrow, but I never actually get around to it. I need to make it a priority.

Seriously, it's pathetic what I spend my days doing now. Waiting. Constantly waiting for something, anything to happen, instead of actually going out and finding something. It seemed like, once I finished my story and stopped writing, my purpose was stripped from me, and I'm nothing without it.

But I'm so intimidated by this idea I have, the only idea I want to work on right now. I know it's gonna take a lot of work, and I'm afraid that once I start, I'll give up a few weeks into it because I don't have a deadline, like I did while I was working on NaNo. I suppose I could give myself a deadline?

I really should work on editing BH first, but I honestly don't really give a fuck anymore. I'm okay with it going unedited because I don't plan on doing anything with it but using it as something to look back on in a few years. It will remain untouched if I don't work on it now. I think I'm okay with that.

Back to giving myself a deadline, I don't know if that'll work, but I can try. It's worth a try.


I don't knooooooowwwwww. I don't want to think anymore tonight. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a good 24 hours or so. That'd be good.

I'm not feeling my best today.

Lamictal? SNOW?

Seriously?

Fuck you, Dr. I-can't-remember-your-name.

=(


Oh, snow is in the forecast.

Bad dreams.

I think I've finally realized why I have such a hard time going to my father's house, and, once I'm there, sleeping.

Nearly every nightmare I have takes place there. Hmm, weird.

>.>


I'm feeling a lot better today. Everything's okay. I'm just having a little bit of trouble figuring out exactly what I'm feeling right now. This morning, I looked at one of those "How are you feeling today?" charts for the first time since I was 10 and I still couldn't figure it out.



I'll figure it out later.


I thought my appointment was this morning, the one from Friday that got cancelled, but apparently, it isn't until 4:10, so I'm just trying to waste time. I should maybe start taking my medication at the right time. And I need to go take a shower.


Oh, one year ago today: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-December_2007_North_American_Winter_storms NOT FUN. Just glad temps are in the 60's today!

Torn.

On one hand, ecstatic. Thrilled, happy, excited, glowing. On the other hand, terrified. Shocked, sad, unbelieving, confused.

Believe me, I want to take this and run with it, to be satisfied with your seeming okay with me how I am, and I feel terrible for doubting you, but you have to understand that I expected something more along the lines of, "I can't love you anymore," along with a few other not-so-nice things. And part of me is still expecting that.

I need to be in your head, just this once. And I need you to be in mine. I don't want anything to change. I'm sorry if I'm making this bigger than it needs to be.

No matter how you feel about me now, I love you.

Inner glow.

I'd really like a general outline of how 2009 is going to be. The past two years have been insane, and I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but a little bit of stability wouldn't be too much to ask for, I don't think.

Going by the conversation between my mom and brother last night, though, I'll be moving in 2009. Again. I'm not going to worry too much about it, though. We'll see what happens in February, when my brother's lease is up... >.>



On another note, I'm really really really looking forward to tonight. ;D

I have a long day ahead of me, though. Psychiatrist and Christmas shopping, boo. I think I'm going on a higher dosage of Abilify. And Kevin needs to tell me what he wants for Christmas. I love you.

Time to go.

Lyrics.

Blue Sunshine by Blue October

I see your heart beat through the bedsheet
I feel your pulse against the floor
I sleep the sadness that no one else sleeps
Can you feel me cunningly adore?

As the tick-tock clock lies Goldilocks
What a sick enchanted view
Of the white blot sin that we all began
This is not the girl that I once knew

Blue sunshine, I've got no vacancies
At the top of the clock was Jesus spying on me
I spoke of friends
Point me which direction
I tried a bribe of when I die but swore he'd never mentioned

I kicked and I screamed
"It's simple, you must sing
The day I take you, you'll be sleeping
You won't feel a thing."


Land Locked Blues by Bright Eyes

If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't wanna risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way

And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
They argue, "Walk this way." "No, walk this way."

And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving, she wakes up and says,
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby, don't go away, come here."

And there's kids playing guns in the street
And one's pointing his tree branch at me
And so I put my hands up, I said, "Enough is enough,
If you walk away, I'll walk away," and he shot me dead.

I found a liquid cure for my land locked blues
It will pass away like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the world's got me dizzy again
You'd think after 22 years, I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away

I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quoteable phrase:
"If you love something, give it away..."

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
You may be offended and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background from a televised war
And in that deafening pleasure, I thought I heard someone say,
"If we walk away, they'll walk away."

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke, we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free, start running away, 'cause we're coming for you

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying, "Let me walk away, please."

You'll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language and measureable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then, walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away

So I'm up at dawn putting on my shoes
I just wanna make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving, but I don't know where to...

My mind is wandering.

Hi, I'm obsessing right now.



They are on my Christmas wish list.


Endings are my problem. I cannot write endings. I would have a story go on forever if I could, but once it's done, you know it, and you can't force it to work any longer.


I can't focus on anything right now.


I never made that to-do list. I suck. edit: I made it.

Kitty.

I started to write this little piece while I missed him one day recently, and I can't find an ending for it. I think it all really revolves around us in the future. That piece will go unfinished for now, I guess. Another one. But I'm okay with it this time; I don't want to know how this story ends.


I had a dream about Jacob. It made me so sad. We were walking down this street in the snow, him on one side, walking towards me, and me on the other side, walking towards him. I couldn't really tell who he was from a distance, but I recognized his features. Once I was close enough, he put his head down and pulled the hood on his coat up, as if attempting to hide from me. I knew who he was though, and I stopped him.

"Jacob?"

He stopped walking and looked up at me. "Do I know you?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"I think so."

"What's your name?"

"Melissa."

He looked as if he was trying to place my name and face with a memory, but after a moment, he shook his head. "I don't know anyone by that name."

I repeated his name, his full name, and began to cry when he asked how I knew his name. "Nevermind," I finally said, turning to walk away. "I expected this."

Alarm went off. I woke up. I miss him. It hurts.

In other dream news, Kevin and airplanes and pink and purple and sex and swingsets. Seriously. All in one dream.


I should make a to-do list that I most likely won't finish (or even start). It's just easier to know all of the bullshit I need to get done. Some of that bullshit being Christmas shopping. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk.



Meow. I want. Off to make that to-do list.

For my Steph.

(I'm not being obsessive; she asked for it!)



Oh, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, thoughtful, amazing Steph, I can't put into words my love for you.

6+ years and you're still my best friend, still here for me, still love me, still laugh at my retarded jokes, still have time for me, and still consider me one of your closest friends. You've become more like family to me over time. And you were wrong, because sisters usually do call each other "fucking bitches." So, that's just a sign of my love for you. ;D

Remember Gabeeble? And Woody Woodpecker? And I know you remember the seizure thing, because I still bring it up. And you still laugh, even though you tell me to shut up. I don't know, all of these are totally irrelivant, I'm just trying to make this long for you. :( I'm failing. OH, remember that day we saw the rainbow together? I don't know why it mattered, but I love you. This makes no sense...

Okay, back to important things. Out of all of my friends, you are the only one I can see myself literally being friends with forever. I feel like we've gone through enough to prove that we can pull through anything. And notice how we never fight? Isn't that totally awesome? Yes, it is.

Oh, I remember one time we fought. Or maybe twice. But it was stupid, and I was being a bitch, and we got past it really easily. I'm sorry for those times.

I'll never forget that night in the Denny's parking lot when you asked me about Bright Eyes, and where they got their name, and then we all (us + Patti) sang Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

If none of this means anything, just know that I love you forever, no matter what, and I want you to always do what makes you happy, no matter what other people think or feel or tell you to do. Your happiness is too important to sacrifice. You are absolutely beautiful, inside and out, and I can't picture my life without you in it.


...HAPPY? ;D

A weak attempt at...

...keeping myself awake a little bit longer. I can't think.

Someone sent a text while I was in therapy, and my mother read it. She said, on the way to my second appointment, "Oh, hey, you got a text I think you should read." My first reaction: "Oh, fuck." I flipped the phone open, went and read a text that made my heart flutter (among other things that happened), and then slammed it shut and shoved the phone in my pocket. It was hilarious and embarrassing.

Anyway, therapy was good today. She'd just finished reading my Halloween story, and told me how great it was (yeahright!) and I was having mood swings because I fucked up my medication schedule and it was weird. But I'm okay now. I have nothing really important to say. Do I ever? No.


I need my sunshine.