Comparison.

I don't know who I am compared to other artists, poets, writers. I'm not like them. I'm not as eloquent or as thoughtful, beautiful or put together, whether that image is on the outside or inside, too. I'm not okay with being quiet and going unnoticed most of the time. I feel like they have their feelings in order, or are in the process of figuring them out. (FYI, I know other artists, poets, writers aren't always like this, but it is what I see in them.)

I'm awkward and messy, inconsiderate sometimes, the opposite of beautiful and all out of place. I can't keep my mouth shut a lot and I feel ridiculously lonely if no one notices me or what I do. My emotions are chaotic and destructive and I haven't been in control of them for a really long time, and don't know where to begin in the process of figuring them out (if there is even a way to do so; they're so tangled).

I wish something would jump out and show me who I am and what I love about that person. I don't understand why I'm so obsessed with figuring out exactly who I am. Women who are 50 and just beginning to figure out who they are seem so beautiful to me, and I want to live that way, too, but I don't want to be in the dark until I'm that age.

I feel like I'm living in a world of "who would I be if--" rather than a "I am who I am because--". A world of "I need to change--" rather than "the things I love about myself are--".

Somehow, I want to be okay with my life being an ever-changing journey of discovery. Nothing is more fun that that, but it isn't fun unless you're open and willing to take the wild ride it will no doubt bring.

I'm trying to get myself there. I'm trying to get somewhere.