Polar opposites.

I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately.

I try to recognize my patterns so that I can finally pinpoint what brings me to this, whatever this is. This feeling, this emotion, this dead end. Polar opposite emotions, on the verge of tears with a smile on my face, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand my patterns, I can't figure myself out.

...When I read back over things I write here, it always seems like I'm panicking while writing them. I'm not, I'm just torn. Confused.

About a lot of things. A lot of emotions, a lot of situations, a lot of relationships. These new questions are coming to me, Is this healthy for me? Should I really be doing this? and I force myself to say yes, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm right.

I've felt so off lately. I've been neglecting myself, not focusing on my needs, not trying to keep myself centered. I'm the furthest thing from centered right now. I don't know how to get back to where I need to be.

At the very least, I'm writing a little bit again. Something to be happy about. I want to write more. I don't care if I write stories or poetry or even journal entries. I miss the feeling.

*

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm really afraid of going. =/ I have no idea what I'm going to tell her. I don't want to tell her the medication isn't working when it really might be. Why do I keep saying it might be when I'm actually feeling worse now than before? Anyway, I don't know. I don't want to try anything else. I'm sick of this. I don't want to have to take those pills every day, I don't want to go temporarily crazy when I miss one day, I want to DRINK, goddamn it.

I want a purple glitterly dress, okay? That's all I want. I'd feel better, I swear.

I don't know what I'm going on about.

I need food and water. I'm off.