blueprints

Arrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh.

2009-02-05T17:13:00.002-06:00

Yes, that is how I'm currently feeling. I don't know.

My brother and I have been talking about the state of "shibby." That's one of his words. I guess that's how I feel, because it is apparently to feel everything and nothing at the same time. That's where I am. I'm overwhelmed, I guess.

Yesterday, I was getting used to the idea of moving in two months or so, today, I'm trying to grasp the idea that we're moving in less than three weeks. I have to start cleaning and packing tonight. It took me a decent while last time, so I'd better give myself awhile. We're looking for houses, talking about renting moving trucks, cleaning out Josh's apartment so that he can move in with us when we move...

I'm just feeling kind of sad. I don't know why exactly. I'm ready for change but I can't believe it's going to happen so soon.

Stop talking.

2009-01-25T14:36:00.000-06:00

I think I'm done here for now.

No help for that.

2009-01-22T21:58:00.003-06:00

I saw my therapist today. She says there is something different about me, something better and happier. I can agree with that.

Though I would be much happier if I focused more on writing. Or painting. Or absolutely any of my "creative outlets" that I've kind of pushed aside for the past month or so.

how is your heart?

during my worst times
on the park benches
in the jails
or living with
whores
I always had this certain
contentment--
I wouldn't call it
happiness--
it was more of an inner
balance
that settled for
whatever was occuring
and it helped in the
factories
and when relationships
went wrong
with the
girls.

it helped
through the
wars and the
hangovers
the backalley fights
the
hospitals.

to awaken in a cheap room
in a strange city and
pull up the shade--
this was the craziest kind of
contentment

and to walk across the floor
to an old dresser with a
cracked mirror--
see myself, ugly,
grinning at it all.

what matters most is
how well you
walk through the
fire.

GED is done!

2009-01-21T18:27:00.004-06:00

Today was my second (last) day of testing. Yesterday was math and writing, today was science, social studies, and reading. I get my results in 3 to 4 weeks.

So happy that's over.

*

Cute, aren't they?

Life is more unreal than where you've been or how you feel.

Breakable.

2009-01-18T13:35:00.003-06:00

In a sad way, it's nice to know that you're as fragile as I am. That, just as easily as you could break me, I could do the same to you. I don't ever want to do that to you. And I hope you'll never want to do that to me. I know you don't.

Relief.

2009-01-17T18:08:00.003-06:00

Not a lot, but I feel like a weight has been taken from my shoulders.

I had a pretty long conversation today with my mother, about aspects of my life that she isn't really a part of... I told her things I've been wishing I could tell her for months now. We talked about love and loss and self-image and truth and lies. We talked about conditional and unconditional feelings, and beauty and life and where we'd like to be... It was interesting, and sad. I cried non-stop, throughout the entire conversation.

I'm good now, though. And I feel better about a lot of things. And I have some things I need to talk about with some people.

I don't know. Life is good, why don't I realize that more often?

Your love is so colorful.

2009-01-14T13:57:00.002-06:00

I'm in an Ani DiFranco mood today.

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I miss no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

Good stuff!

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is all scratchy and weird sounding and I wake up with a stuffy nose. ;( Boo. When I get sick, I turn into a five year old, and all I want is my mommy. It's kind of pathetic. But she thinks it is cuuuute, which is good, because I can still get away with it, even at 18.

Oh, last night, I went on a major search-and-destroy mission for these stupid fucking GED testing info papers, and I finally found those bitches. RIGHT ON MY DESK. Fucking... fuck. I was annoyed but relieved. I have to be there by 8:15 am. Srsly? I haven't been up that early to actually go somewhere in a really long time. I'm so nervous. D: I should've spent the last entire month studying but, uh, I've been distracted? The best kind of distracted. I love distractions. >.>

*

I hate when I see PostSecrets about cocaine because I'm always afraid that my brother is thinking the same thing. Like, there was one a few months ago that I have saved but am too lazy to find, it's written on a Red Bull carton thing (you know?!), and it says, "I still like cocaine better." And then this week, there's one that says, "I want to use cocaine again so I can lose this extra weight." And I swear, the handwriting is similar, but I'm just being paranoid because he thinks PostSecret is stupid. Or at least he's said so before. But it still worries me. I don't want him to do that again.

*

http://www.offtoportland.blogspot.com/

Wow. I wish I had the guts to do anything like that. I can't even put into words how badly I want to leave Oklahoma, but I feel like I settled a long time ago. I was born and raised here, this is where my family is, this is where my life is. It'd be too risky to leave. How would I get to where I'm going? What would I do when I get there? ...A ton of questions came to mind when I thought about it, and I decided it was too much to handle, so I put it out of my mind. When I read things like the blog I just posted, it ignites that fire in me and makes me want to pack my shit and leave, no matter how scary it may be.

One day? Possibly. But not now.

When I think about leaving, my first thought is Trinity. I don't want to miss out on her childhood, I don't want to leave and come back one day to a teenager or an adult. It's one of the main things that hold me back. She's my baby girl.

I know I'm going to have to let go of her, and the rest of my friends and family, at some point if I actually want to live my life, but I'm not ready yet, and I don't see any reason why I need to be ready. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to do these things.

Anyway, I know exactly where I would go. I can dream for now, right?

Take me anywhere.

2009-01-12T11:15:00.009-06:00

"Good things always come to an end."

Do they really have to? It makes me so sad to think that all of the things that make me so happy now could possibly be taken away from me, to think that all of the songs that make me think of you now could one day make me cry, to think that you could find someone better or more perfect for you than I am.

It's so hard to believe that all good things have to come to an end. The good things should last until the very end of time. Until we have no other choice. Until it isn't right anymore. I don't see this going wrong anywhere, so I don't know why I'm suddenly worried, but the idea of losing you is always at the back of my mind, and it frightens me more with every amazing day that passes because that's just one day closer to the day that this has to come to an end, whenever that may be.

I'm just rambling. :( I'm gonna stop now before I temporarily kill my happiness...

Mermaid Ladybug Butterfly!

2009-01-10T21:02:00.003-06:00

I feel like, for the past two weeks, I've been living someone else's life. Things just feel so different now. So good, but so different. Life is lovely.

I don't know why I always feel (felt?) like I need(ed) a solid grasp on my future. I don't. I feel like I'm doing okay without it. Better than okay, actually. The things that were my main concerns are now in the back of my mind. I'm feeling free.

Also, I need to learn how to have better control of my emotions. They tend to show themselves, no matter how hard I try to hide them. They can control me sometimes. They get out of hand occasionally. I don't know. I'm a sensitive girl. I can go from laughing to crying in like, .5 seconds. It's one of the things I'm not so fond of in myself... But I'm handling it.

*

In order to be a stable human being, I must have a cat nearby. Hear that, future husband? We're going to have a cat or two. Yes, two. I know you won't have a problem with that, though. Or I hope. >.>

Okay, done rambling. Steph and Patti are almost here and I should go be social.

Happy.

2009-01-09T17:14:00.002-06:00

I love that delirious kind of happy where all you can do is smile. It paralyzes me when I feel like that, and it is one of the best feelings possible... A constant stream of happiness flowing through my body, through every limb, down to the the tips of my fingers and toes. A tingling sensation. Absolutely amazing. It's so rare that this feeling comes. In fact, it's been too long since I last felt it, so I'm holding onto this for as long as I can.

*

It was almost like waking up with you. It felt like you were there.

*

Good day. I'm speechless right now.

Polar opposites.

2009-01-08T12:34:00.002-06:00

I've been listening to a lot of Coldplay lately.

I try to recognize my patterns so that I can finally pinpoint what brings me to this, whatever this is. This feeling, this emotion, this dead end. Polar opposite emotions, on the verge of tears with a smile on my face, it doesn't make sense. I don't understand my patterns, I can't figure myself out.

...When I read back over things I write here, it always seems like I'm panicking while writing them. I'm not, I'm just torn. Confused.

About a lot of things. A lot of emotions, a lot of situations, a lot of relationships. These new questions are coming to me, Is this healthy for me? Should I really be doing this? and I force myself to say yes, but I'm not entirely sure if I'm right.

I've felt so off lately. I've been neglecting myself, not focusing on my needs, not trying to keep myself centered. I'm the furthest thing from centered right now. I don't know how to get back to where I need to be.

At the very least, I'm writing a little bit again. Something to be happy about. I want to write more. I don't care if I write stories or poetry or even journal entries. I miss the feeling.

*

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I'm really afraid of going. =/ I have no idea what I'm going to tell her. I don't want to tell her the medication isn't working when it really might be. Why do I keep saying it might be when I'm actually feeling worse now than before? Anyway, I don't know. I don't want to try anything else. I'm sick of this. I don't want to have to take those pills every day, I don't want to go temporarily crazy when I miss one day, I want to DRINK, goddamn it.

I want a purple glitterly dress, okay? That's all I want. I'd feel better, I swear.

I don't know what I'm going on about.

I need food and water. I'm off.

Oh, Steeeeeeeph!

2009-01-07T13:52:00.002-06:00

I promise you that I will set aside time to write every day, no matter how shitty or unmotivated I feel! You better work on your project, too. I love you. =D

Frustration.

2009-01-06T21:37:00.002-06:00

I keep coming in and out of good and bad, and I'm tired of feeling unstable. I could repeat myself a thousand times, and write the same things I always say, but it wouldn't change anything, only frustrate me more.

Tomorrow, I'm supposed to double the my dosage of one of my medications. I'm worried.

*

I'm also frustrated that I got myself out of the writing habit. Every day for nearly two months, I spent hours a day focusing on my writing, and once I finished my NaNo shit, I stopped. I thought I'd take a break for a few days, maybe a week, and a month and a half later, here I am, not writing at all.

Not even in my journal. It's like I have no new thoughts. It's making me feel so shitty and unimaginative.

*

THIS IS NOT FUN OR GOOD OR NICE. I want to hide. :(

Friends.

2009-01-05T00:29:00.003-06:00

What an interesting few days it has been.

I never realized how much connections with my friends altered my emotional state. I mean, it sounds like an obvious thing, but after such a long time of being indifferent towards my relationships with them, I never noticed. And then suddenly becoming aware of how much I need them has been a good experience for me.

I want to say I'll never take them for granted again, but I'm sure there will be points where I slip back down to where I've been and I'll stop caring for some time again, but I believe I'll come back from that sooner rather than later.

I'm exhausted, missing Kevin, talking to Andy, listening to the Rent soundtrack, and about to go to bed. Goodnight.

Magic.

2009-01-02T19:08:00.002-06:00

Do you remember when you were younger, when you'd get a new coloring book and a brand new box of crayons, and there was so much magic surrounding them that you didn't want to mark on the pages or touch the crayons yet? You didn't want to ruin a perfectly good picture, or break a crayon, and you just kind of stared in wonder for a long time. What was so appealing about a new box of crayons? I don't know, but I still act this way.

I don't know if that was just me or if that was everyone, but my point in saying this is that there is so much magic surrounding my idea of 2009 that I'm afraid to dive in and get started. I've just been wondering desperately how I can possibly begin working towards achieving my goals without taking the magic out of it all.

I know it isn't all going to be pretty and fun and sparkly, but I'm going to do my best to keep most things that way. I'm just not sure where or when to start. I'm not ready to potentially make a mistake on the canvas of 2009, or break one of my precious crayons. You know?

Hello 2009!

2009-01-01T21:10:00.008-06:00

My year started off wonderfully, alongside Steph and Kelly Jo.

Pretty girls.

We watched the ball drop on TV. I had the goofiest smile on my face. I was so excited that it was 2009. I still am excited. A new year. A new start. KJ had to leave around 12:30, so we said goodbye to her and then spent about two more hours just fucking around, talking and laughing.

I couldn't sleep well last night, so I was up by 8 am and was waking Steph up to go get breakfast. We spent most of the day together, until 2 pm, and then she left. I went to my dad's house with my brother and spent some time with them until about 4, when Patti called and said she was headed home. Josh and I went and picked her up, and then Steph and KJ came back over to hang out for awhile.

So... it was really good. I was genuinely happy and at ease with them. And I think Steph is coming over again tomorrow! Very nice.

*

I lied about not making resolutions. I made one at the last minute: to curse less. When I get angry, ever other word is "fuck" or "cunt" or "goddamn it" and I'm hoping to clean that up a little bit. :)

I swore to myself that I wouldn't get upset on New Years Day, but I did anyway. Steph was upset about something and had to leave, and I was ridiculously worried, and ended up crying on the way home from dropping Patti off at her house. I pulled myself together quickly, though. And I think Steph is okay now, so all is well.

(I love you, Stephanie. I'm going to keep that piece of wax paper forever and ever.)

*

I don't really have any thoughts today. I'm just looking forward to a good year.

Cape Canaveral by Conor Oberst

2008-12-30T00:01:00.005-06:00

Oh, oh, oh, brother totem pole
I saw your legends lined up
And I never felt more natural
Apart, I just came apart

Please, please, please sister Socrates
You always answer with a question
Show some kindness to a petty theif
Forgive, you did forgive

And watched the migrants smoke in the old orange grove
And the red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

You've been a father to me
Your 1960's speak
Give me comatose joy like we're on TV
While the mountain's side was shining wild colors of my destiny

I watched your face age backwards
Changing shape in my memory
You taught me victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

Hey, hey, hey mother interstate
Can you deliver me from evil
Make me honest, make me wedding cake
Atone, I will atone

Wait, wait, wait mighty outer space
All that flying saucer terror
Made me lazy drinking lemonade
A waste, it just went to waste

Like the Freon cold out the hotel door
Or the white rocket fade over Cape Canaveral

You've been a daughter to be
Your buried shoebox grief
I felt your poltergeist love like Savannah heat
While the waterfall was pouring crazy symbols of my destiny

I watched your face die backwards
Little baby in my memory
You told me victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

And you don't just me, that's not your style
But I won't see you for a little while
And there's no worries, oh Lord, whose got time
All these changes gonna fill your mind

Like the citrus glow off the old orange grove
Or the red rocket blaze over Cape Canaveral

It's been a nightmare for me
Some 1980's grief
Gives me parachute dreams like old war movies
While the universe was drawing perfect circles form infinity

I watched the stars get smaller
Tiny diamonds in my memory
I know that victory's sweet
Even deep in the cheap seats

Today.

2008-12-28T20:58:00.000-06:00

I'm trying to learn how to string two words of my own together again.
I'm feeling sad yet satisfied.
(I'm realizing that doesn't make a lot of sense.)
I'm wanting to curl up next to my love.
I'm needing to get away for awhile.
I'm wishing I had more to say.

I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid intwined together on a bed of clovers
Left there to sleep, left there to dream
In their happiness.

Glitter.

2008-12-26T23:16:00.002-06:00

Me: I'm not feeling very... sparkly right now.
Josh: Do you want me to throw glitter on you?

Yes, I would like that very much.

Now that it's June, we'll sleep out in the garden
And if it rains, we'll just sink in to the mud
Where it is quiet and much cooler than the house is
And there is no clocks or phones to wake us up
Because I have learned that nothing is as pressing
As the one who is pressing would like you to believe
And I'm content to walk a little slower
Because there's nowhere that I really need to be
I find that life is easier when it's just a blur
With no details to confuse who or what or where I was
So when the ending comes, the full regret will seem obscure

But these are days we dream about when the sunlight paints us gold
And this apartment could not be prettier as when we danced up there alone
This TV's old, the color's fucked, do you see the difference in the shades?
But the green is still close to green, my love
And I believe we are the same
And we'll stay like this, all gold and green
The light collects and projects your heart on a movie screen
And if you close your eyes
We will always be the way we were that night
When you crawled inside of me
And slept in my blood the way you sleep now
The quietest hush has consumed this house
And when the doctors have gone and you sweat through the bed
With the pictures and pills they piled around your head
Just rest now, and in a moment you'll know everything
Was it just a dream?
It's too vague now to recount
And outline of the one you loved in a life that was that not longer will be
Stands above you
As you sleep

Merry Christmas.

2008-12-25T18:33:00.004-06:00

Some people, when handed a miracle, push it away. Why? When perfection stands before you, giving you its heart, why would you reject it? Why would you ever tell anyone that they are worthless, a waste of time? Really, say what you want to say, but everyone has worth, and I can't believe you would think someone who cared for you so much didn't.

I can't stop thinking about the way you sounded last night, and how badly I wanted to wrap my arms around you, kiss your forehead, tell you how much you mean to me, and how wrong she was. Even though you seem to be past it now, it makes me so sad that anyone would say such things. It's so wrong.

*

Christmas has been interesting. I met my dad's girlfriend last night and she ended up being sweeter than I could've imagined. After that, the rest of the night was... mindblowing. Still recovering. Today, I woke up around noon and headed to my cousin's house, where I helped my aunt cook (okay, more like, I helped her make a huge mess in the kitchen) and played with Trinity.

While I was there, someone made me a White Russian and I'm thinking that's where I made a mistake. Long story short, got sick, went home, passed out, woke up, feeling better, here I am.

So yeah, Merry Christmas.

Sleepy!

2008-12-23T22:16:00.003-06:00

I'm tired of apologizing for feeling a certain way. I don't think I'm going to do that anymore.

I was a little bit weepy today at random moments, and I think it all stemmed from having trouble sleeping, which isn't anything new, but it was worse last night. I woke up in a strange mood, after having a really weird dream, and the first emotion I fully felt was guilt, which lead me to my last post. After that, I felt better, and just went back and forth from good to bad all day long.

I went for a long drive with my brother and we didn't talk. I like the silence between us. It feels peaceful. But while we were driving, I got a new potential idea for a story. I'm going to play around with it a little bit, see if I can come up with some decent plot to go along with it, and then start to work on it. Hell, I might just start anyway, without knowing exactly how it's gonna go. Waiting is just wasting time.

I made a collage tonight. First one in... months? I don't know, I didn't enjoy making it. I was kind of angry the whole time. I don't know why. It isn't very good, either. I mean, how can it not be good? I'm not exactly sure, but I don't like it. Probably because I didn't have fun making it! Anyway, I don't know, it was all cut-outs from music magazines and shit like that, shit I don't really care about anymore. It just takes too much time to cut a bazillion tiny (or big) scraps from magazines and such. I should get started on that soon, though, and then actually make something when I'm a little happier and more relaxed.

I'm freaking exhausted. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight. Goodnight!

Guilt.

2008-12-23T12:40:00.002-06:00

Right now, I am feeling consumed by the guilt of ruining an important part of my life. It was my choice to ruin it, I didn't do it on accident, but it's gone now, and I'm feeling shitty about it.

I always think that I'm the last person who would hurt someone else on purpose, but I feel like that is exactly what I did. I willingly let go, I let him say goodbye, I let that chapter of my life close without looking back once.

I'm not sorry that I fell in love with someone, but I am sorry that I left someone in pain in the process.

And this new chapter is wonderful, beautiful, amazing, but something tells me you didn't get over it as easily as I did, and that you're suffering while I'm happy. I'm sorry. I was no good for you in the first place. You and I, we had so much in common, yet somehow were so different, and I couldn't get over how opposite of me you were. I needed someone who was in sync with me, who felt the way I felt, and it wasn't you.

You tell me you won't stop loving me, but I wish you would. It would make your life a hell of a lot easier. Your love for me just holds you back. Don't force yourself to hold onto it. Find someone better. She's out there.

Either way, no matter what you do, I can't allow myself to feel guilty about it. We live different lives, and I let go of you a long time ago. As a lover, at least. As a friend... not so much. I will miss that. I will miss you. But I have to forgive myself for hurting you. I didn't want to, I didn't mean to, but it happened, and there isn't anything I can do about it now.

I'm forgiving myself.

Quiet world.

2008-12-22T23:04:00.001-06:00

Today was nice.

I got to play with this sweetheart for a few minutes. She lives somewhere around here, and was sitting on top of this Pepsi machine across from my apartments when I got home today. She jumped down to greet me, crawled right into my lap, and began purring the second I scratched her neck. Absolutely adorable. I didn't want to leave her, because it was 20 degrees outside and I had nothing better to do (what in the world is better than loving on a cat?), but I was sitting in front of the vending machine and some man came up glaring at me, so I hopped up and went home. I love the kitty. I want one so bad!

Going back to before the kitty-love, I went for a walk this morning. It was pleasant. The wind wasn't blowing and the sun was out, so I wasn't too cold. The lake behind my apartment was frozen solid! So awesome. I walked along it, until I saw the water moving again, and just stared out at the ducks for awhile. It was nice to be alone, since I never get the chance anymore, with my brother here...

A woman across the lake came out of her apartment and said hello to me, and asked if me to come visit her. Strangely, I began walking towards her. She just seemed so sweet, I couldn't say no. Plus, I decided I'd be more open, and talk to more strangers. :) Ahaha. So anyway, I got to her apartment and she invited me in, and then hugged me. She was very sweet. Her brother offered me coffee and then joined us at the kitchen table, where I was telling her about my family. She asked if I was married, and I answered, "Oh, no. I'm only 18!" and she began talking about her first marriage... I don't know, it was interesting. And fun. Her brother asked me if I had any hobbies and I told him I was a writer. I told him I also painted and did "other various artsy things." I didn't mean to say it like that, but it came out that way. ;D

The woman showed me some things she'd crocheted, and some pictures of her family. She's originally from New York. I broke out my camera and showed her my baby girl and my brother. I don't know, it was nice. Something I've never dared to do before. I wish I wasn't so tame. Maybe I should make my New Years resolution something to with not being this way all the time.

Around 9, my mom and I went to this Christmas lights display that's pretty popular around here. I took some pictures.

The multi-colored ones were definitely my favorite.

These look like giant purple mushrooms!

Pretty. I haven't been in years. I wish I was more in the Christmas spirit. I'm just ignoring it this year, it feels like. I mean, today is the 22nd and I'm still not finished with shopping (and not really interested in finishing!), no decorations are up around here... I don't know why. Too much other stuff going on.

Next year, I want to make an extra effort to enjoy the holidays. Did I mention this already? Oh well, I'm repeating myself, if I did. I'm going to do something special for every holiday next year, even if it's something really tiny. It'll be better than what I did this year (nothing!) for sure.

Oh, I just decided that I want a piano in my house when I grow up (it feels strange saying that) and get married. No, I don't know how to play piano, but I still want one. They're beautiful.

Good day.

2008-12-21T23:51:00.000-06:00

I got a pretty nice surprise this morning when I woke up. My clock said it was nearly 2 pm, and I felt like a total bum, so I rolled out of bed immediately. I came to the computer then to listen to music and finish last night's blog and it turned out to actually be 1 pm! So, I'm not the bum I thought I was. :) I actually sort of have an excuse for sleeping so late: I didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am. I don't know why. But I was getting very annoyed by the time 2:30 rolled around, and I was about to give up when suddenly, I passed out. Nice.

Today was magical. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but why is that ever necessary for magic to happen? I went out with my brother and picked up something for my mom (for Christmas) and then had lunch. A few hours later, Steph came over and spent the evening with us, just talking and watching TV, laughing, making plans for New Years (!!!), and talking about road trips in 2009.

I'm really excited for 2009. I keep heaving these big, happy sighs. I don't know. I want January to get here already.

Anyway, good day. Tomorrow will be good, too.

Oh, new Christmas development: NOT going out of town now! I feel a little guilty for saying I'm happy about it. That means a quiet, small celebration, with my closest family. No worries about anxiety! Good news. I think we're going over to my cousin Genie's house and I'll get to spend the day playing with Trinity. That's pretty much my idea for a perfect Christmas. Maybe a little bit of snow, some hot chocolate, and Nick and Cody. I'm sad I won't get to see them.

Oh, and my grandma. I think we might go see her on Christmas Eve anyway.

It's before midnight and I'm exhausted already. I'll be up until 1:30 or so though, at the very least. Luckily, this promises no tossing and turning, because I'll be so tired by the time I go to bed that I'll be asleep before my head hits the pillow.

Hopefully.

Tomorrow, I will work on some collages and paint more. I spent an hour or so painting today, for the first time in weeks. It was pleasant. Painting always makes me feel so balanced when I'm feeling off. It is soothing.

I'm going to lie on the floor and listen to the Hairspray soundtrack (ahaha) for awhile. Goodnight.

Thoughts.

2008-12-20T23:26:00.005-06:00

Sometimes, there is nothing left to say.

I have to learn to be okay with that. When I am drained of words and thoughts and feelings, I have to learn to breathe and give myself time to recover, rather than trying to force these things out of me. Why am I doing that? If there's nothing there in the first place, nothing is going to come. I guess I never realized it until today.

I don't know if that makes sense. I think it does.

I need to figure out how to fix some things. Love does wonderful things to me, but it does have a not-so-wonderful effect on me, too. The self-hatred that I sometimes feel (I'm not good enough, pretty enough, there is someone way better out there, etc.) weakens my soul. I think that is where I am right now. And believe me, I'm working to fix it. Every day, I get a little better, but it's a slow process and I won't be able to fix it over night. In the meantime, I'm sorry for the way I get sometimes. Everyone in my life does a wonderful job of making me feel loved and wanted and accepted, and never give up on me, even when I try to push it away. I appreciate that.

I need to go back to the place I was in when I had more fun, went out more, had better relationships with my friends, cared less about how I look. I miss being that person. I want to be her again.

I want to be able to manage myself when I get knocked off balance, when things don't feel right. I want to know exactly how to fix it, how to put myself back to where I'm supposed to be, or to where I want to be.

I mean, it could be the medication, or it could just be me. Either way, month-long periods of depression coming back suddenly aren't my idea of enjoying the holiday season.

In fact, I've barely been thinking about Christmas. I've done most (oops) of my shopping, and once that was out of the way, I focused on something else entirely. I can't believe today is the 21st. No decorations are out in my house, not even the tree. Maybe next year, I ought to make an extra effort to enjoy and celebrate the holidays. I haven't in years, even though I know how magical they used to be to me. They've just lost their sparkle. Or maybe I've lost mine.

I'll get it back.

I'm done for now.

Dear 2008,

2008-12-20T01:33:00.003-06:00

Though I've come out with many good memories to hold close to me, you as a whole haven't been that great. Same with 2007, but we'll avoid going back there. It has been nothing but insanity since summer of '07, and I honestly expected it to end this year, but it didn't.

But now, on December 20th, I can feel that things have been winding down. My life is more calm, things are more in order, I'm getting to where I need to be. I'm hoping that 2009 brings change, and lots of it.

I want to shift who I am. I want to take more pictures. I want to step out of my comfort zone (repeatedly). I want to reconnect with old friends and make new friends. I want to figure out what I want to do. I want to have some kind of plan. I want to get things in order, but I don't want to know what's going to happen along the way. A life with no surprises would be so boring. But... I don't know, I just want to be sure things aren't the way they were this year. I want to start the new year right. I want to stay in love. I want to explore what that (love) means, and I want to expand it. I want to feel stable and secure in my own life. I want to be okay with the parts of me that I try to hide or conceal or ignore. I want to learn how to find the positive in every situation. I want to learn.

So... I feel like I've got quite the year ahead of me. Who knows if I'll actually accomplish anything I have planned, but it's all definitely worth a try.

(I borrowed the Dear 2008 idea from www.dancingmermaid.com!)

Ooh, ahh!

2008-12-19T08:51:00.002-06:00

TODAY I WORKED ON MY NEW SHORT STORY.

Oh, it isn't very good, and it's totally cliche, but I don't really care. I'm just glad I'm writing!

I could give some really gross details of my day, but instead I'll just say... Hello there, monthly visitor. >:(

I hate it when women use their periods as excuses to be bitches. I mean, I can understand a little bit of crabbiness and irritability, maybe a few random cries, but if you're constantly being a bitch for the entire month, it isn't because of your period, it's because you're a FUCKING BITCH.

Anyway! I'm feeling really great right now. I'm going hug life now.

Meow again.

2008-12-18T09:57:00.005-06:00

Today is the first day I've woken up (and stayed up) before noon in over a week. I only got up for my brother, but I wrote a little bit, and now I can't fall back to sleep. Probably better to stay up anyway. I have things to do.

I have therapy today. I'm going to give her my journal, I think, because it explains things better than I can. I'm so awkward when I actually speak. >.< Well, to people of authority, at least. But she's really sweet, and deals with my stumbling over words and random five-minute-long pauses to play with a strand of my hair or stare out the window or write something down. Short attention span. Not with everything, though. Christmas is in a week. I still haven't done all of my shopping (good move, right?). I'll probably finish today, when Josh and I go out.

I have to be honest, after a nearly-sober Thanksgiving, I'm really not looking forward to Christmas. I can't drink at all right now because of my medication. I didn't really care when it was just Abilify, but I've been on Lamictal before and it is powerful and I fear it. Seriously. >.> I was talking to my mom about it yesterday, and she just laughed at me and said, "I guess living in fear is the best way to motivate you!" Oh yeah, that's nice. I hope she doesn't take advantage of that.

I've got a new idea for a short story. I don't know. It's barely anything right now, but I've got a few general ideas of how it could go. I might work on that soon, so that I'll have something else to do rather the flood my blog with pointless posts where I talk about how much I want to write but can't.

I say "I don't know" too much. I'm not as unsure of myself as I make it sound.

So I'm gonna get some orange juice and then curl up on the couch with a blanket and a notebook now. This makes me feel like a cat, I do not know why.

Oh, before I go, if reincarnation was real, I'd seriously want to come back as a cat. I already "meow" on a daily basis, probably numerous times, and I can purr, and I sleep a lot and like to cuddle... I would be the perfect cat. Goodbye. ;D

edit: Hi. I went to therapy. It was an interesting mix of "Holy fuck, I'm so happy!" and "Oh God, why am I so miserable?" Ahahaha...

I don't think this medication is working right!

Alsoooo, why do I feel so horribly inadequate compared to her? And who is comparing me to her other than me? Seriously. Someone should beat me or something.

Oh, back to therapy. I love Dr. Smasal, she is so fucking awesome.

Okay, done, bye.

I want to travel.

2008-12-16T20:10:00.002-06:00

More later, maybe.

I'm kind of crazy.

2008-12-15T17:47:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry I'm so insecure! I'm working on it, I swear, and it isn't nearly as bad as it used to be.

Anyway, the predicted ice storm didn't actually come. Just some sleet and a little bit of snow, I think. So happy, because I don't think I could tolerate another 8 days of no power! That wasn't very fun. But for some reason, Tulsa Public Schools were out today, and are out tomorrow, and I think that means Steph should come see me. I bet she won't see this, though. >.>

Today was good. I woke up at sometime after noon to someone screaming right outside my door. Turned out, Trinity was here for the day because her daycare was closed. She was still being really clingy with me, so she spent most of the afternoon saying, "Lissa! Let's paint! Let's dance! Let's play!" She took a nap around 3 and when she woke up, she came straight to me, and then we spent the next 45 minutes cuddling on the couch. It was sweeeeeeet. I love her so much.

On a somewhat similar note, I'm so sick of being around people constantly. Go the fuck away, you assholes. No, that's really mean... I just wish my brother would go home and my mother would go to work at the same time one day so that I can be alone. Boooooo.

This is probably the most I've written in a few weeks. Nice.

Going For The Gold

2008-12-13T23:52:00.004-06:00

...by Bright Eyes

There's a voice on the phone
Telling what had happened
Some kind of confusion
More like a disaster
And it wondered how you were left unaffected
But you had no knowledge
No, the chemicals covered you
And so a jury was formed as more
Liquor was poured
No need for conviction
They're not thirsting for justice
But I slept with the lies I keep inside my head
I found out I was guilty
I found out I was guilty
But I won't be around for the sentencing
'Cause I'm leaving on the next airplane
And though I know that my actions are impossible to justify
They seem adequate to fill up my time
But if I could talk to myself
Like I was someone else
Well then maybe I could take your advice
And I wouldn't act like such an asshole all the time

There's a film on the wall
Makes the people look small
Who are sitting beside it
All consumed in the drama
They must return to their lives once the hero has died
They will drive to their office
Stopping somewhere for coffee
Where the folk singers, poets, and playwrights convene
Dispensing their wisdom
Oh, dear amateur orators

They will detail their pain in some standard refrain
They will recite their sadness
Like it's some kind of contest
Well, if it is, I think I am winning it
All beaming with confidence
As I make my final lap
The gold metal gleams
So hang it around my neck
'Cause I am deserving it:
The champion of idiots

But a kid carries his Walkman on that long bus ride to Omaha
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin
'Cause each note sounds so pure, it just cuts into her
And then the melody comes pouring out her eyes
Now, to me, everything else, it just sounds like a lie

Finally.

2008-12-13T09:39:00.002-06:00

I've been feeling so much better since yesterday. In fact, it's so odd, the way I'm feeling today. Absolutely everything is making me smile/laugh. I don't know. I love it.

I'm only a little bit sad that my brother is so depressed. It kind of makes me feel guilty for being so happy. :/

Uhhhhh, I don't really have anything to say. Oh, except I'm not having all kinds of ridiculous side effects from my new medication, which is nice, because a few years ago, it wasn't very kind to me! But I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping, so that could be part of that, or the Abilify, maybe. Huh.

I'M TOTALLY NOT HATING CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR, BY THE WAY.

Okay, so I'm gonna have breakfast and clean/watch movies all day!

Sweet love.

2008-12-11T21:48:00.005-06:00

Trinity came over tonight and she was absolutely precious. She was clinging to me for some reason (she isn't usually like that), and I was squeezing her to my chest, kissing her all over her face and head. It was very sweet. I feel a lot better now. I think I've missed her.

I'm not going to college.

2008-12-10T20:36:00.003-06:00

There, I said it. I don't want to go to college. I don't really care. I just want to write. I don't need a degree. I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything like that. I don't want to spend however many years of my life in school while I could be living my life in other ways. Yes, I want to finish school. I want my high school diploma (or the equivilant). I want to do something great, but that doesn't mean I have to go to college. That is not the only path, and anyone who wants to tell me it is can choke on a dick. Seriously. And that goes for my father, too. I'm so sick of his bullshit. I'm sorry if I'm not doing things at your pace, but I'm taking it slow and doing this the way I want to do it. There's no rush, or there shouldn't be. God, I don't even CARE. I don't care I don't care I don't care, I'm not going, I don't care if you think I'm going to fail in life without it. I don't want to go to college. I'm not going to college. Fuck it. If that makes me a loser, I'm okay with that.

Mornings!

2008-12-10T07:56:00.002-06:00

I love mornings so much. I should start waking up at 7 am everyday!

...I say that now, but tomorrow, I'll probably sleep until noon.

I'm feeling so much better today. More myself than I have been the past few days. I have a lot of energy, which is great because I have a ton of things to do, like start on my next project, which I'm going to do in like, 20 minutes. And I also should clean, but uh, no thanks. Not today. ;D

I've barely started Christmas shopping. I'm going to regret it. Normally, I'd be done by the middle of November (I start early) and wouldn't have to worry about it, but I didn't really give a fuck in November, so... I need to get started on that.

OH. Moving is for sure now. My mom keeps going on about how apartment-living isn't for her (WHY?) and she wants a house again, and my brother is saying things about how his lease is up soon and he's going to quit his job to go to school and will need somewhere to live. Very interesting. Oh, those aren't the only indications. We've talked about it. I don't really have a say. I don't really care. Sick of moving around, but will if I have to. Maybe I should start packing up all the shit I don't use now, to avoid last minute rushing. Unless, of course, we're not moving until June... Then I'll start in a few months.

Goddamn it.

I'm not going to worry about it now. In fact, I'm not going to worry about it at all. It'll be okay.

My toes are cold. I need more orange juice. And it is now time to start working on stuff. ;D

Old Xanga posts!

2008-12-10T07:20:00.002-06:00

Hahahaha, oh fuck.

3/27/2007

I love the fact that you can't cry when you're drowning. You can scream (but no one will hear you) and you can struggle (but no one will see you), but you cannot cry.

HAHAHA, what the fuck was wrong with me?

2/27/2007

So here's my plan for tomorrow:

-Pick Steph up at BTW at 3:20.
-Have sex in the backseat of a car with her.
-Then drop her off at home.

I remember that day! No actual sex occured. >.>

2/24/07

I swear to God, I should slap the shit out of my brother for being such a dumbass. For telling his little sister than he tried coke last night. For asking for my permission to do it in the house. For condemning everything I do that he doesn't agree with, but for expecting me to be okay with this.

Along with this post, I also wrote about how I threatened to kill him, but that's a little too crazy for me to post. And no, I wasn't threatening to kill him for this. I don't really remember why exactly I did it, but I regretted it.

2/16/07

I'm off to Missouri for the weekend. Yeah, I didn't know either until last night. Leila didn't know if she had a car or not, then she called and was like, "HEY! I got a car, we're going!" and I'm like, "...OKAY!" and then yeah. The end.

Oh, what a huuuge mistake that was...

2/09/2007

Sometimes I pretend like things mean more to me than they really do. I was just typing on here, writing about how I don't want to take more medication and become a zombie... But honestly, I don't care. I wanted to make it seem like I did, though.

Hmmm.

There are plenty more, but I'm done.

Okay.

2008-12-09T20:42:00.002-06:00

I miss writing. I write about writing, I constantly think about writing, I just can't actually DO IT for some reason. I just keep putting it off, thinking, I'll do it tomorrow, but I never actually get around to it. I need to make it a priority.

Seriously, it's pathetic what I spend my days doing now. Waiting. Constantly waiting for something, anything to happen, instead of actually going out and finding something. It seemed like, once I finished my story and stopped writing, my purpose was stripped from me, and I'm nothing without it.

But I'm so intimidated by this idea I have, the only idea I want to work on right now. I know it's gonna take a lot of work, and I'm afraid that once I start, I'll give up a few weeks into it because I don't have a deadline, like I did while I was working on NaNo. I suppose I could give myself a deadline?

I really should work on editing BH first, but I honestly don't really give a fuck anymore. I'm okay with it going unedited because I don't plan on doing anything with it but using it as something to look back on in a few years. It will remain untouched if I don't work on it now. I think I'm okay with that.

Back to giving myself a deadline, I don't know if that'll work, but I can try. It's worth a try.

I don't knooooooowwwwww. I don't want to think anymore tonight. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep for a good 24 hours or so. That'd be good.

I'm not feeling my best today.

Lamictal? SNOW?

2008-12-08T20:37:00.003-06:00

Seriously?

Fuck you, Dr. I-can't-remember-your-name.

=(

Oh, snow is in the forecast.

Bad dreams.

2008-12-08T11:54:00.006-06:00

I think I've finally realized why I have such a hard time going to my father's house, and, once I'm there, sleeping.

Nearly every nightmare I have takes place there. Hmm, weird.

>.>

I'm feeling a lot better today. Everything's okay. I'm just having a little bit of trouble figuring out exactly what I'm feeling right now. This morning, I looked at one of those "How are you feeling today?" charts for the first time since I was 10 and I still couldn't figure it out.

I'll figure it out later.

I thought my appointment was this morning, the one from Friday that got cancelled, but apparently, it isn't until 4:10, so I'm just trying to waste time. I should maybe start taking my medication at the right time. And I need to go take a shower.

Oh, one year ago today: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mid-December_2007_North_American_Winter_storms NOT FUN. Just glad temps are in the 60's today!

Torn.

2008-12-07T20:44:00.002-06:00

On one hand, ecstatic. Thrilled, happy, excited, glowing. On the other hand, terrified. Shocked, sad, unbelieving, confused.

Believe me, I want to take this and run with it, to be satisfied with your seeming okay with me how I am, and I feel terrible for doubting you, but you have to understand that I expected something more along the lines of, "I can't love you anymore," along with a few other not-so-nice things. And part of me is still expecting that.

I need to be in your head, just this once. And I need you to be in mine. I don't want anything to change. I'm sorry if I'm making this bigger than it needs to be.

No matter how you feel about me now, I love you.

Inner glow.

2008-12-05T12:23:00.004-06:00

I'd really like a general outline of how 2009 is going to be. The past two years have been insane, and I'm not saying I don't enjoy it, but a little bit of stability wouldn't be too much to ask for, I don't think.

Going by the conversation between my mom and brother last night, though, I'll be moving in 2009. Again. I'm not going to worry too much about it, though. We'll see what happens in February, when my brother's lease is up... >.>

On another note, I'm really really really looking forward to tonight. ;D

I have a long day ahead of me, though. Psychiatrist and Christmas shopping, boo. I think I'm going on a higher dosage of Abilify. And Kevin needs to tell me what he wants for Christmas. I love you.

Time to go.

Lyrics.

2008-12-05T11:21:00.007-06:00

Blue Sunshine by Blue October

I see your heart beat through the bedsheet
I feel your pulse against the floor
I sleep the sadness that no one else sleeps
Can you feel me cunningly adore?

As the tick-tock clock lies Goldilocks
What a sick enchanted view
Of the white blot sin that we all began
This is not the girl that I once knew

Blue sunshine, I've got no vacancies
At the top of the clock was Jesus spying on me
I spoke of friends
Point me which direction
I tried a bribe of when I die but swore he'd never mentioned

I kicked and I screamed
"It's simple, you must sing
The day I take you, you'll be sleeping
You won't feel a thing."

Land Locked Blues by Bright Eyes

If you walk away, I'll walk away
First tell me which road you will take
I don't wanna risk our paths crossing someday
So you walk that way, I'll walk this way

And the future hangs over our heads
And it moves with each current event
Until it falls all around like a cold, steady rain
Just stay in when it's looking this way

And the moon's laying low in the sky
Forcing everything metal to shine
And the sidewalk holds diamonds like a jewelry store case
They argue, "Walk this way." "No, walk this way."

And Laura's asleep in my bed
As I'm leaving, she wakes up and says,
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby, don't go away, come here."

And there's kids playing guns in the street
And one's pointing his tree branch at me
And so I put my hands up, I said, "Enough is enough,
If you walk away, I'll walk away," and he shot me dead.

I found a liquid cure for my land locked blues
It will pass away like a slow parade
It's leaving, but I don't know how soon

And the world's got me dizzy again
You'd think after 22 years, I'd be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I'm always pacing around or walking away

I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I'm balancing history books up on my head
But it all boils down to one quoteable phrase:
"If you love something, give it away..."

A good woman will pick you apart
A box full of suggestions for your possible heart
You may be offended and you may be afraid
But don't walk away, don't walk away

We made love on the living room floor
With the noise in the background from a televised war
And in that deafening pleasure, I thought I heard someone say,
"If we walk away, they'll walk away."

But greed is a bottomless pit
And our freedom's a joke, we're just taking a piss
And the whole world must watch the sad comic display
If you're still free, start running away, 'cause we're coming for you

I've grown tired of holding this pose
I feel more like a stranger each time I come home
So I'm making a deal with the devils of fame
Saying, "Let me walk away, please."

You'll be free, child, once you have died
From the shackles of language and measureable time
And then we can trade places, play musical graves
Till then, walk away, walk away, walk away, walk away

So I'm up at dawn putting on my shoes
I just wanna make a clean escape
I'm leaving but I don't know where to
I know I'm leaving, but I don't know where to...

My mind is wandering.

2008-12-04T11:41:00.006-06:00

Hi, I'm obsessing right now.

They are on my Christmas wish list.

Endings are my problem. I cannot write endings. I would have a story go on forever if I could, but once it's done, you know it, and you can't force it to work any longer.

I can't focus on anything right now.

I never made that to-do list. I suck. edit: I made it.

Kitty.

2008-12-03T13:34:00.004-06:00

I started to write this little piece while I missed him one day recently, and I can't find an ending for it. I think it all really revolves around us in the future. That piece will go unfinished for now, I guess. Another one. But I'm okay with it this time; I don't want to know how this story ends.

I had a dream about Jacob. It made me so sad. We were walking down this street in the snow, him on one side, walking towards me, and me on the other side, walking towards him. I couldn't really tell who he was from a distance, but I recognized his features. Once I was close enough, he put his head down and pulled the hood on his coat up, as if attempting to hide from me. I knew who he was though, and I stopped him.

"Jacob?"

He stopped walking and looked up at me. "Do I know you?" He seemed genuinely confused.

"I think so."

"What's your name?"

"Melissa."

He looked as if he was trying to place my name and face with a memory, but after a moment, he shook his head. "I don't know anyone by that name."

I repeated his name, his full name, and began to cry when he asked how I knew his name. "Nevermind," I finally said, turning to walk away. "I expected this."

Alarm went off. I woke up. I miss him. It hurts.

In other dream news, Kevin and airplanes and pink and purple and sex and swingsets. Seriously. All in one dream.

I should make a to-do list that I most likely won't finish (or even start). It's just easier to know all of the bullshit I need to get done. Some of that bullshit being Christmas shopping. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkk.

Meow. I want. Off to make that to-do list.

For my Steph.

2008-12-02T21:03:00.003-06:00

(I'm not being obsessive; she asked for it!)

Oh, wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, kind, loving, thoughtful, amazing Steph, I can't put into words my love for you.

6+ years and you're still my best friend, still here for me, still love me, still laugh at my retarded jokes, still have time for me, and still consider me one of your closest friends. You've become more like family to me over time. And you were wrong, because sisters usually do call each other "fucking bitches." So, that's just a sign of my love for you. ;D

Remember Gabeeble? And Woody Woodpecker? And I know you remember the seizure thing, because I still bring it up. And you still laugh, even though you tell me to shut up. I don't know, all of these are totally irrelivant, I'm just trying to make this long for you. :( I'm failing. OH, remember that day we saw the rainbow together? I don't know why it mattered, but I love you. This makes no sense...

Okay, back to important things. Out of all of my friends, you are the only one I can see myself literally being friends with forever. I feel like we've gone through enough to prove that we can pull through anything. And notice how we never fight? Isn't that totally awesome? Yes, it is.

Oh, I remember one time we fought. Or maybe twice. But it was stupid, and I was being a bitch, and we got past it really easily. I'm sorry for those times.

I'll never forget that night in the Denny's parking lot when you asked me about Bright Eyes, and where they got their name, and then we all (us + Patti) sang Total Eclipse Of The Heart.

If none of this means anything, just know that I love you forever, no matter what, and I want you to always do what makes you happy, no matter what other people think or feel or tell you to do. Your happiness is too important to sacrifice. You are absolutely beautiful, inside and out, and I can't picture my life without you in it.

...HAPPY? ;D

A weak attempt at...

2008-12-01T23:41:00.004-06:00

...keeping myself awake a little bit longer. I can't think.

Someone sent a text while I was in therapy, and my mother read it. She said, on the way to my second appointment, "Oh, hey, you got a text I think you should read." My first reaction: "Oh, fuck." I flipped the phone open, went and read a text that made my heart flutter (among other things that happened), and then slammed it shut and shoved the phone in my pocket. It was hilarious and embarrassing.

Anyway, therapy was good today. She'd just finished reading my Halloween story, and told me how great it was (yeahright!) and I was having mood swings because I fucked up my medication schedule and it was weird. But I'm okay now. I have nothing really important to say. Do I ever? No.

I need my sunshine.

Rambling.

2008-11-30T14:45:00.002-06:00

While sitting cross-legged on the living room floor last night, a notebook in my lap and an orange marker in my hand, I watched my brother play a video game while I doodled mindlessly on the page, wondering why words weren't coming out. I stared into space and said to no one in particular, "I can't write."

Somewhere inside of me, though, I didn't believe that. I don't believe I can't write, I don't even believe I have writers block or anything.

I think that right now, my emotions are so strong and present that I am a little bit overwhelmed, and because of that, I can't exactly put those intense feelings down. I've tried many times over the past few days, but I'm keeping them locked inside, as if I would lose them if I shared them. I'm not going to lose them. They will always be there, bright and loud and obvious and beautiful.

A short break won't hurt me. From writing, I mean. I'll study for my GED, start notes for my next project, edit BH... I have plenty to keep me occupied.

Oh, and poetry. I'm supposed to be giving that another try. ;D

"At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." -Plato

Tense.

2008-11-29T21:54:00.003-06:00

After the past two nights, I shouldn't be nervous or afraid anymore, but I can't really help it.

Where has my head been? I haven't written about anything. Thanksgiving was decent. I spent most of my day clinging to my brother like I was six years old again. I don't know why. He keeps me safe, and I know that he has problems being around a lot of people, too. It's comforting. He's very sweet to me now, which makes me feel guilty for wanting to strangle him as often as I do.

A few days ago, I was being a bitch to him. A sad look came over his face, and he asked, "Why are you being so mean today?"

I immediately softened up, told him I was sorry, and tried to keep myself from acting like that anymore.

I think it was just the fact that I'd spent so much time with him, and I needed space, because after being gone for a little over a day, I was excited to see him when he came over today.

Christmas sucks, I'll pass this year.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-28T18:52:00.003-06:00

I don't know what to say. I've been kind of speechless, paralyzed, since last night.

I just know that my mind absolutely refuses to focus on anything but a certain person, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Goddamn, I am so happy.

(Mostly) Pointless!

2008-11-27T18:03:00.004-06:00

Just a few pictures from today. As you'll notice, I prefer Josh and Trinity to nearly everyone else. Boo.

I love these boys. Cody, Josh, Nick. Cody and Nick are twins, and I love them dearly. They're only a year or so older than Josh and they're both married already. We never see them anymore. I miss them so much.

Genie (Trinity's mom) and Josh.

Josh, Trinity, and my mother.

My grandma, Aunt Donna, Aunt Kathy, and my mother. All four are kind of crazy, but I adore them.

Oddly, this is probably my favorite picture of the day. We stopped off at my grandma's house before heading back into town, and this was on a side table that was nowhere near where my grandma usually sits. It is also angled away. It made me a little sad. The picture, by the way, is my grandma and my papa when they were younger. He died on Christmas Eve of 1996. Of course I didn't have much time to be close to him, but from what I did know about him, he was amazing. I miss him. Christmas has kind of sucked without him.

Anyway, I wonder how often she thinks of him, or how much she misses him. I know my mom misses him. She still cries about his death all the time.

Still happy. What an odd note to end this on.

Bodily by Ani DiFranco

2008-11-27T11:09:00.004-06:00

So I'm trying to make new memories
In cities where we fell in love
My head just barely above
The darkest water I've ever known

You had me in that cage
You had me jumping through those hoops for you
Still, I think I'd stoop for you
Stoop for your eyes alone

Usually, I punctuate incomplete sentences. It really bothers me to look at them without a period or something, but it also bothers me when an incomplete sentence is punctuated.

Yeeeeeeeeeah.

Save me.

2008-11-26T20:09:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I have to go out of town, and I have to see my family.

That isn't completely horrible, it's just the... "Why don't you have God in your life? I think you'd have a lot less problems if you'd just go to church and accept Jesus Christ as your savior. He'll forgive you for your sins! Come on, come pray with us. It won't hurt you. Praying will make you stronger, it'll change your life! Whether you like it or not, you are one of God's children..."

I don't want to complain too much, though. I enjoy them when my anxiety is under control, and it will be tomorrow. Dr. Murphy filled my meds early (I love her) and I'm probably going to get drunk before I go. Hopefully no one notices, though it's pretty obvious. No one noticed last Christmas, though.

Next week: Monday, two appointments. One with my therapist, one with my primary care doc. Friday, one appointment. With my psychiatrist. I think she's going to give me a higher dosage of Abilify, since it's been decent so far.

I'm afraid to believe that we've finally found something that works. I've tried so many different medications over the past few years, and had so many different reactions to them all, and here I am, a new psychiatrist, and the very first thing she gives me, it works?

I'm not getting my hopes up.

But I feel better now that I have in a long time. It could be the meds, it could be other things. I'm not entirely sure.

I think it is important to note that I don't feel guilty anymore about leaving my dad. I think I finally got to that point a few days ago, when I realized that he has found happiness with someone else, and is living now. He was an empty shell, and she has brought him back. It's nice. It has taken a lot of pressure from my shoulders. For the longest, I felt so bad that my mother left him and took me with her. It was partially my fault, and I couldn't stop feeling guilty when he was barely alive.

He's okay now, though, and so am I.

I saw Trinity tonight. She wanted me to chase her all over the apartment, but I was tired, so I just laid down on her bedroom floor and let her jump all over me. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a cracked rib or something now.

I think I should edit some of my story.

Some days I can't speak...

2008-11-25T17:03:00.005-06:00

So I just write lyrics?

Here the chimes, did you know
That the wind, when it blows,
It is older than Rome
And our joy
And our sorrow?

Oh. I'm really happy. I didn't mean for that to sound sad. I don't know if it did, but that song (Cleanse Song by Bright Eyes) usually makes me feel better when I'm sad. I don't know.

Besides happy, I'm kind of confused. Hm.

I embarrass myself.

2008-11-24T22:12:00.002-06:00

Too often.

Oh, before I go off on a rant about pointless bullshit, NEO actually isn't working. I did more damage than I did good! Go me, right?

And yes, Andy, the sticky goo thing was totally for you. >.>

Anyway, this isn't right.

Constantly, I feel this need to make myself into a different person for other people. If they're somewhat... dim, I try turn it down a bit. If they're ridiculously smart, I try to be, too (but it doesn't work very well and I end up looking like a fool, totally embarrassed and wanting to hide from them until the end of time).

I'm trying not to do that this time, even though the urge is worse than it has ever been.

Ah, I just don't want you to think I'm stupid.

I don't know why I do the "ah" or "oh" thing before my sentences. But I do it when I'm actually speaking, too. I don't like it.

I don't like a lot of things.

Why am I being so fucking critical of myself today?

I'll snap out of it soon. I wrote this thing on my Xanga addressing the fact that change was here, and I mentioned how I go crazy because I don't deal with it well, but I'm trying to do better now and not let it rule me completely.

From the liquor stores to the train stop floors
Your filthy room, your drama blues
I'm nothing if I'm not with you
Always right, always wrong
Dressing bad is like loving you:
There is nothing I haven't worn
Nothing I haven't said before

Telephone call.

I love Steph.

2008-11-24T14:19:00.002-06:00

I bet she won't see this, but she'll see the title. So hi, Steph. I love you.

Since I got soda in the keys of my NEO, I haven't been using it. It's too difficult to type. It was a sad, sad day. -_- I was seriously freaking the fuck out about it... But anyway, I emailed the support team people on Friday and they emailed me back, telling me that I can clean the keypad with a q-tip and rubbing alcohol, and if that doesn't work, I can send it back and get it fixed for $60.

Not too bad, I guess.

So I go into my room with the rubbing alcohol and a handful of q-tips, sit down at my desk, and start murdering the shit out of that sticky goo with my tools (that sounded kind of wrong).

Once I'd finished, I walked into the living room and said to my mother and brother, "Would you like to come to the family waiting room to hear how surgery went?"

They just stared at me, not quite sure what I was going on about.

"Okay," I said. "This is fine, since you don't want to move..."

No response.

"I cleaned my NEO."

"Oh. How'd that go?" My brother was playing his video game, didn't really care.

"I have to go back for a second surgery after it recovers from this one. It should work fine by then." In other words, let the alcohol dry, go back in ten or so minutes, clean it again, and it should be working fine. The keys were already working much, much better.

I'm happy!

Anyway, last night was really good. I'm weird and emotional, and it isn't a good thing, but I'm learning how to handle it.

I'm more interested now that I've been in a long time. Some old feelings that I've missed are coming back. I feel like I'm becoming myself again. That person I used to be before I let depression kind of take shit over.

Maybe my new medication is helping?

I'm still not sure. It's been over two weeks now, and I'm not feeling any of the side effects too strongly, and I'm not sure if my mood has changed, though my previous few statements might be reason to believe that they've improved, and aren't as severe.

Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm more emotional now than before. I don't know what that is.

I don't know. Everything feels good. Except for my throat. It hurts and I can barely swallow. :( Not cooooool.

The Answer by Blue October

2008-11-23T21:14:00.002-06:00

I am an automatic steeple for depressed and lonely people
My heart, while in its cage, is used to give and not recieve a thing
But the only funny thing
Is that I don't know how to give myself advice
I've got this post traumatic thing,
I've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
Around my wedding finger
And that's where I wanna state this claim
That I've gotta learn to live and dream
Before I go and get myself in love
In love
Before, before, before I go and get myself in love

So unlike me.

2008-11-22T16:15:00.005-06:00

Last night wasn't very pleasant.

Nothing bad happened, really, it's just more like... I would've rather been at home, doing something alone, or hanging out with Josh. Luckily, he came to Dad's with me, so it wasn't so lonely/boring. My dad had some whiskey, so I drank a little bit and took a few Xanax and was passed out on the couch before my dad was asleep, which is... really, REALLY rare. But once he fell asleep, I woke up suddenly, and then was up for four or so more hours. Boo. :(

I think I'm supposed to be "celebrating" with my cousin tonight, but it's nearly 4:30 and I don't know what's going on, so I'm just like... eh.

My brother has been sick. As in, has a bad cold with chest congestion and all kinds of other grossness. It's sad. He's miserable, but keeps going into work.

I don't understand the way I feel about my brother. That sounds weird, so I'll explain: As children, we were incredibly hateful towards one another. It lasted until my mother and I left. Sure, we had a few good moments, sweet moments, but nothing that ever lasted for more than a small moment.

After my mother and I were gone, I realized how much I loved him. I missed him like hell. We began talking on the phone occasionally, seeing each other sometimes, but never really spending a lot of time together alone.

As I've grown up (and he has, too), he has turned into a lot more to me that just a brother. I trust him 100%, he is my best friend, he is my guidance when I'm lost, he is the closest person to me (other than my mother, of course, but he and I share that bond with her).

Anyway, I don't know what I'm getting at. There might be a slight dependence there now, just like any friendship. I want him around all the time. He gets on my nerves sometimes, but we get past it quickly. When I'm sad, he instantly makes things better. When I'm happy, he makes me happier.

I don't know. He's my favorite person in the world.

Something strange about it, I don't ever actually tell him what's bothering me. There's probably a lot he doesn't know, or a lot that doesn't come out at the appropriate times, but he knows it is there, and he... I don't know, understands it? He's four years older, and I feel like most things I've been through, he's been through, too.

What scares me is the idea of him getting a girlfriend. We discussed this a little bit last night. He even admits that he thinks more clearly when he's alone, and I definitely agree. I think I'm sort of wounded still from the last time he was in a relationship. That sounds somewhat selfish. I know he's still wounded, too. He was hurt. I was hurt, too, though. I lost him for a long time. I'm just afraid that if he finds a girl, it'll turn into that again.

But instead of worrying about that now, I'm just going to enjoy the things that are going on right now.

Raaaaambleeeee.

Goodbye.

Arg. :(

2008-11-21T16:03:00.002-06:00

Patti wrote me a letter and gave it to me last night. I didn't read it until just now. It was so sweet, but it made me so sad. She went on about how I'm such a great friend, and such a beautiful person, and I just have to wonder how that is possibly true.

Half of the time, I'm annoyed with her "high school drama" as I typically call it, and my advice to handle the situation comes out in a harsh way, and I feel like a bitch afterwards but it's the only way I know how to handle it. The other half of the time, we're barely speaking because we're both busy, or just don't care, or something. She has seem me at my absolute worst, and who knows, maybe my absolute best, but too often, I'm at that spot at the bottom, and she can still call me a beautiful person?

...How?

I don't understand it. I don't think I really need to. If that's how she sees me, I should be happy. It was incredibly sweet, and very appreciated.

I feel off today. I have a slight idea why, but I'm hoping I'm wrong.

Tonight, I'm going to my dad's house to celebrate my birthday with him. I'm, hopefully, just going to get really drunk and pass out early. I don't feel like celebrating anymore. I don't feel like going over there. I don't feel like anything right now. :(

Anyone reading this should go listen to Fix You Up by Tegan and Sara. The first time they sing, "This love is all I have to give..." feels so incredibly sad (and true) to me. Ah, the whole song is so fucking good.

Fix You Up - Tegan and Sara

What do I
What do I
What do I need to do to see myself in a better mood?
And what do you
What do you
What do you need to do to get yourself in a better mood?

There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in
And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it
You bring it up
And bring it in
And we'll get you fixed up in no time.

What I wanted most,
What I wanted most,
What I wanted most was to get myself all figured out
And what I figured out,
What I figured out,
What I figured out was I needed more time to figure you out

There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in
And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it
You bring it up
And bring it in
And we'll get you fixed up in no time

This love is all I have to give
This love is all I have to give
This love is all I have to give
This love is all I have to give

There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in
And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it
There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in
And there's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it
You bring it up
And bring it in
And bring it in
And we'll get you fixed up in no...
We'll get you fixed up in no time

This love is all I have to give
This love...

Gotta get ready to go to my dad's.

Eh.

2008-11-21T14:05:00.002-06:00

My head is hurting. I'm a little stressed right now, dealing with some business-y shit. My brother is sick. He's here with me. I'm tired. I have to go to my dad's house tonight. I don't want to. All I'm ever listening to anymore is Tegan and Sara. I get attached to people way too easily. I want to change (sort of). I'm 18 now. I bought cigarettes. And porn. And other things. Very interesting experiences. There is such thing as the Nasty Sluts magazine. Ooh.

I don't have anything good to say. I'm gonna have food and cake now. Bye.

Finished.

2008-11-19T14:11:00.000-06:00

Just over 75,000 words. 205 pages. 19 days. I am finished.

Come in closer.

2008-11-19T11:22:00.002-06:00

I have strange dreams.

I can't even remember what happened. I just remember who was there. And I remember waking up feeling really... confused.

I turn 18 tomorrow.

Comparison.

2008-11-17T21:20:00.002-06:00

I don't know who I am compared to other artists, poets, writers. I'm not like them. I'm not as eloquent or as thoughtful, beautiful or put together, whether that image is on the outside or inside, too. I'm not okay with being quiet and going unnoticed most of the time. I feel like they have their feelings in order, or are in the process of figuring them out. (FYI, I know other artists, poets, writers aren't always like this, but it is what I see in them.)

I'm awkward and messy, inconsiderate sometimes, the opposite of beautiful and all out of place. I can't keep my mouth shut a lot and I feel ridiculously lonely if no one notices me or what I do. My emotions are chaotic and destructive and I haven't been in control of them for a really long time, and don't know where to begin in the process of figuring them out (if there is even a way to do so; they're so tangled).

I wish something would jump out and show me who I am and what I love about that person. I don't understand why I'm so obsessed with figuring out exactly who I am. Women who are 50 and just beginning to figure out who they are seem so beautiful to me, and I want to live that way, too, but I don't want to be in the dark until I'm that age.

I feel like I'm living in a world of "who would I be if--" rather than a "I am who I am because--". A world of "I need to change--" rather than "the things I love about myself are--".

Somehow, I want to be okay with my life being an ever-changing journey of discovery. Nothing is more fun that that, but it isn't fun unless you're open and willing to take the wild ride it will no doubt bring.

I'm trying to get myself there. I'm trying to get somewhere.

I've got nowhere to go.

2008-11-17T20:09:00.002-06:00

My anxiety is in overdrive.

Birthday party.

2008-11-16T22:47:00.005-06:00

Today was Trinity's birthday party. I can't really adequately put into words how... chaotic a huge indoor playground full of kids is.

I would never be able to work there. Oh, God. Those poor employees.

Still, it was fun. And Trinity had a blast. Here are some pictures.

At my apartment before the party. It was the first time I'd seen her in over two weeks, and she looked so gorgeous. I love this picture. ;D

Trinity in her princess dress and Genie. We'd just gotten to the party.

In the blacklight room. She was scared at first.

She really liked the poles, though. They changed colors.

Ahahahahaha, one of my favorites of the day. I need to go back and edit out the red eye. But I love this shit.

Her light-up princess cake.

The presents. Oh God, there were more after I took this...

Giant ice cream cone!

Blowing out her candle. Aw.

There was this giant stage with a microphone and all kinds of costumes. She went up and sang her favorite Hannah Montana song about 6 times. Each time, I was there, screaming and clapping for her. So cute.

My new favorite picture of my brother. The only one I have where he's actually smiling.

And that's all.

Early!

2008-11-15T16:06:00.002-06:00

My dad asked me to come to his house to get the NEO because he knew I wasn't going to do well for the next few days knowing that it was here but I didn't have it. Ahaha, I love my dad.

He'd already put batteries in it and typed a sweet message for me. It was nice. I took it to the lake with me and practiced typing on it (typing on new things, I have to get used to it) and was really good at it. I just typed lyrics as Tegan and Sara sang.

It is ssssssssssssoooooooooo awesoooooooooooooooomeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

50,000!

2008-11-15T02:52:00.003-06:00

TWO WEEKS. I am so happy. So so proud of myself.

My goal now is to finish by the end of November, no matter how many words it may end up as.

Sick sick sick.

2008-11-14T23:39:00.001-06:00

I hate being sick. I don't want to be sick anymore.

Sunday is Trinity's birthday party. Tomorrow is the last day I'm allowed to be sick. No more sick. I hate being sick. GODDAMNIT, I DON'T WANT TO BE SICK ANYMORE.

...That is all.

Oh, except! I reached 48,468 words. That means I'm... 1,532 words away from being finished. I could be done by Saturday evening. Or maybe even before I go to bed.

Reaching 50k? No problem. Reaching the ending? Uhh...

Funny, Mom!

2008-11-12T23:34:00.002-06:00

My mother had a dream yesterday night that about half a dozen or so publishers were fighting over who would be the ones to publish my book.

It made me laugh. My mom is silly. She believes it could happen, though. Well, maybe not the fighting, but the publishing.

It is a vague wish in the back of my mind. I don't think about it often because it feels so far away from me, but it is still there. A goal waiting to be pursued.

What's the deal with everyone asking me what I plan to do with my life lately? I don't know anymore now than I did yesterday.

I love Tegan and Sara.

edit: 44,378 words. I'll have 46,000 before I go to bed tomorrow.

Only eight more days.

2008-11-12T20:06:00.002-06:00

:(

In 8 days, I will be 18.

I went from excited to terrified to excited again to... whatever this is right now. Disappointment. I shouldn't be disappointed yet. Nothing has even happened.

I'm preparing myself for the day, I suppose.

I realize there is nothing glorious about 18 besides adulthood (and that isn't very glorious in most aspects), so... I don't need that speech. I just want it to mean something.

Holy shit!

2008-11-11T11:35:00.003-06:00

I'm so happy.

"You will be happy to know I ordered that NEO this morning and it will be shipped to my address at work. That way I am assured to get it. Happy birthday, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy New Year."

Ahahaha! Ah, I love my father! :D :D :D :D :D

Also, on another note, I think I did something to my left hand. As in, I fucked it up. I can't really describe where it is, so:

The red section is what hurts. I think it might be carpal tunnel. but I'm not sure because the pinky finger is controlled by a different nerve than the thumb, index, middle, and ring fingers. And I've had carpal tunnel before, but it was numbness rather than pain, and it was in my right hand. I don't know what it could be. It hurts pretty badly, though.

Oh, yesterday, I went to see this new doctor (because my regular doctor wanted me to, I don't know). He was really nice, but he poked me a lot, and when we were on our way home, I said, "I bet I'll have fingerprint bruises on my stomach where he was poking." I woke up this morning and lifted my shirt, and there were about six little bruises all along my right side. Hmm.

Also, I started my Christmas shopping yesterday. My mom had seen this beautiful angel... thing that she loved, and I sort of remembered it whenever I was thinking about what to get her. Josh took me to buy it, and then we went to Starship (record store) and I went into the 18+ room, ahaha. It was really interesting. Sex toys and pipes and bongs galore. I actually ended up picking out a pipe for my mom (her's broke) and helping my brother pick out a mini-bong (it's so fucking awesome!). I was too scared to attempt to pay for them myself, though, because if the guy asked for my ID, I would've been like, "Oh, sry, still a minor for ten days." Actually, only nine days now. What the fuck.

I came across So Jealous and If It Was You by Tegan and Sara, which I was totally lacking in my life, so I got them. Ah, and then Josh and I went and wandered around Barnes and Noble (SUCKS) and I bought a 2009 weekly planner (it's awesome) while he bought a book about botany. I love him; he is so smart.

After wasting a lot of time, we went and saw Role Models. It was fucking awesome. ;D

Then we went home and played Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and it was brought to attention by not only my brother, but by Michael, too, that I a.) become more violent, and b.) curse a whole lot more while playing. I don't know. I'm a gangster?

Going to make hot chocolate and write now.

40,616

2008-11-11T02:57:00.003-06:00

Oh, so tired. The second week slump is kicking my ass. I never have energy to write anymore, but I'm forcing it out at a pretty nice rate. I'm 9,384 words away from crossing 50k, but I'm positive that it will be longer than that. I probably won't be finished until somewhere between 60k and 70k. But that's just a guess right now. I could somehow figure out an ending between now and 50k (or somewhere around there), but I highly doubt it.

I'm feeling very unsure about my ending. It's so far away, and I don't know what will happen. So, so far away. I love writing, I love NaNo, but once I hit 50k, I'm pretty sure I'll have reached the maximum level of insanity possible before hospitalization.

...Not really, but I'm stressing myself out over this. :( Blah. Goodnight.

33,842

2008-11-08T23:48:00.001-06:00

Oh, so tired. But oh, so happy with the progress I'm making. I'm over a week ahead of where I need to be still, and I love where everything is going. I love Evelyn and Grace, and I love Sam, and I love my bed because it's comfortable, and I love writing over 5,000 words in one day.

I also love Patti and today is her birthday. Happy birthday, Patti. I also love Steph and think that we'll be going out tomorrow, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm going to text her.

I have a massive headache.

I have new medication. Abilify.

I'm going to do things now.

Email to my father.

2008-11-06T14:59:00.002-06:00

When I was younger, about 14, and my brother was about to turn 18, somehow the phrase "grown ass man" came into play. My brother apparently said it. Something along the lines of, "You can't tell me what to do, I'm a grown ass man." I'm nearing 18, and everytime I talk to my father, he says, "__ days until you're a grown ass woman!" and I just laugh. Truthfully, I don't want to be an adult in his eyes, because I know that as soon as I am, when I'm still not doing anything that measures up to his liking, he'll just see me as a loser. Plain and simple, a loser. And what use does he have in his life for losers?

He wants me to plan my future. Right now. And I have the vague outline of how I want things to go down, academically, but not in any other way.

He asked me to email him the AlphaSmart Neo thing that I want for my birthday. To email him information about it. I did, and he responded with something along the lines of, "I want to know it will assist you with your school work, and not just something you do as a leisure activity. What are your plans for the future once you become a grown ass woman?"

I thought long and hard, and this was the best response I could come up with:

"Well, after I get my GED, sometime in the spring (if my results come back before then; I'm hoping they will), I want to see about taking a writing course at TCC. That's school, right? Yes. And that would assist me. After that, I don't know, man. I need to talk to somebody, maybe a counselor at TCC or something. I don't know how exactly everything works. I know I'll need to take the ACT, and that can be my next step.

I know it seems like writing is something I do at my leisure (I'm not saying that it isn't), but you have to know that this is something I want to do for the rest of my life. I know it isn't a stable career choice, and I know I'll need something to fall back on, and I plan to find that something, but for right now, as long as I get my GED before May (and I'm going to), I'm still somewhat equal with where the kids in my class are. They're getting their diplomas, I'm getting the equivilant. Still, I realize it doesn't change the fact that at this current point in time, it is a leisure activity, but in order to get serious about it, I need to be able to write, not just at home in front of the desktop, but on the go.

So, a general overview of this email/what I plan to do upon becoming a grown ass woman:

I plan to take my GED, talk to a counselor and figure out everything I need to do, sign up for a writing course while studying for my ACT, see what kind of courses TCC offers to English majors, if and when (I'll go with WHEN on that one) I pass the ACT, I'll apply to take those courses at TCC, take the courses, most likely dislike school because they make me read crappy literary fiction and Shakespear (I can't stand Shakespear), but keep going because I know I need to, possibly focus on journalism as a main career, but that possibility will change numerous times in the next few years, eventually graduate and... live happily ever after.

Not the last part. I don't know. I know there will be a lot of bumps and roadblocks along the way, but I will get past them.

I know there is some money in an account for me that is specifically for when I go to school, and I will use that. I will apply for scholarships, I will save up money of my own, whatever I need to do to."

As I wrote it, I became more and more emotional. By the end, I was sobbing. My mother came home, and she asked me what was wrong. I just shrugged my shoulders. "Dad," was all I could say. Why the fuck do I get so emotional when it comes to him? I don't know. I just feel a lot of pressure from him to be something great, and what if I can't be something great? What if I want to live a simple life and skip all the college shit, and work shitty low-paying jobs my whole life? Will I still be good enough to him? I'd like to think so, but I'd bet not.

And so, I sent the email. He'll get it before he leaves work, I'm hoping (that's where he checks from). I'll call him later, after I get all of the crying and anger and annoyance out of my system, and we'll talk like normal, like this exchange never happened. I'm okay with that. We'll keep it seperate. But I don't want him to disregard my passion for writing as a simple "leisure" activity. I don't just write to pass the time, I don't just write because I'm bored. I write because I love it, because I want to live it, because if I didn't, there wouldn't be absolutely anything else that I'd feel like I'm good enough to do. This is the only thing I feel like I'm good at. I wish he would believe that. Or believe in me, in general.

23,103

2008-11-05T23:12:00.002-06:00

On day five. Wow.

I'm going through a Beatles phase. I'm also going through a chocolate covered pretzel phase, but if I eat too many, I get a headache? Weird.

Thursday: appointment with psychiatrist, scurrrrred ;(
Friday: going over to my father's house to spend the night, scurrrrrred ;(
Saturday: Patricia's birthday, and her party, scurrrrred ;( (good thing I'm not going)
Sunday: seeing Steph and going out on a date! not really, but we are going out. not scurrrrred?
Monday: ...I don't think anything happens Monday.

Gonna try to get, um, 300 or more words before midnight. Shouldn't be an issue.

She's the kind of the girl who makes the news of the worrrrrld! ;D

Barack Obama as president.

2008-11-04T23:38:00.002-06:00

I'm happy. I can't adequately put into words how happy I am that he was elected. I feel like the future of America is brighter, and I feel like I'll be coming into adulthood on a good note.

The amount of negativity surrounding the election (and Obama) scares the shit out of me, and seriously makes me sick. This is a monumental presidental election. History has been changed. Can you please just give him a chance before you judge his ability (or lack thereof, if that is your opinion)?

No. You probably can't. I hope you've been introduced to the term "closed-minded."

Urg. >;( So annoyed and sad. Blah.

But still, today is a great day for America. We have a president we can be proud of. There is change in the future for us.

Freezing.

2008-11-04T00:06:00.002-06:00

NaNo update: 17,131 words as of November 3rd at 11:59 pm.

Today (er.. yesterday), I saw Dr. Smasal. It was good, until we got to a certain point. I don't know what came over me. I'm so emotional sometimes, and it comes from nowhere. From laughing, smiling, telling ridiculous stories, to hunched over, sobbing, not wanting to speak or think or breathe.

It was odd. I don't know what it was.

She says things that just seem... I don't know, maybe I should word this differently. It's like the things that everyone around me should be saying but never do. She says them. And it makes me even more sad, I guess, because she's my therapist. I don't see her as a therapist. I see her as a friend. But I'm afraid that once I'm out of therapy, I'll be just another past patient and I won't get to talk to her again.

That's how it happens, but I've never really had a relationship with one of my therapists quite like this before.

Eh, I don't know. Weird.

I'm tired. I didn't sleep much last night. I had these really bad thoughts circling through my head, and when I wasn't actually thinking about them, I just kept saying to myself, "Man, I can't let these fuck me up in the morning. I've got shit to focus on." That's what I've been thinking about... nearly everything that comes up. Hmm.

Bedtime.

The end of my first day.

2008-11-01T23:59:00.002-05:00

9,124 words within a period of exactly 24 hours. I'm really excited and totally loving this. I'm so glad I decided to go ahead and do it. I remember I was having major doubts, but I went ahead and jumped right into it and now it's going REALLY great!

My goal was to get at least 10,000 words between Saturday and Sunday, but seeing as how I got 90% of that taken care of within the first day, I'll wake up and type about 1,000 tomorrow and take the rest of the day off.

Plans for tomorrow: Breakfast with Patti (if she answers her freaking phone), and then Steph is coming over later. I'm excited.

I know I promised pictures (not that anyone but Andy and Mike actually read this), but I'm tired, and don't feel like re-sizing them, and I need to pee REALLY bad. So, goodbye. ;D

November and NaNo.

2008-11-01T02:56:00.003-05:00

I started right at midnight, and after a very panicky start, I'm happy to report slightly over 4,000 words within 3 hours (an hour of that a big fat pointless time-wasting break).

Happy happy happy!!!!!!!~~!

This is really good.

Also, it's officially November, meaning the countdown to my birthday begins today. Now, I need to figure out what I'm actually going to do to celebrate... >.>

To come after I get some sleep: Halloween picture of Trinity (duck) and Genie (salt shaker... wtf? ;D), and possibly a tiny excerpt of my novel!

Nearly 3 am, time for me to sleep.

Oh God, only one more hour.

2008-10-31T22:56:00.001-05:00

It is 10:56 pm and NaNo is only a little over an hour away from me and I'm hyped up on sugar and I'm scared and I'm nervous and I'm excited and I'm scared and oh God, I'm starting in an HOUR and I still haven't finished all of my notes and I'm not sure how to start and I don't know what's going to happen and my characters are angry with me for not paying any attention to them and I'm sorry and oh my God, this is going to be so freaking weird and hard and fun but I don't want to screw it up but I need to stop worrying about that and I need to practice good grammar and not type in one giant run-on sentence!!!

I have to go read through my notes and jump on my bed.

HALLOWEEN!!!!

2008-10-31T15:24:00.002-05:00

Not that I rly give a shit about Halloween! But it means tomorrow is November 1st!

I could not fucking sleep last night. :'( I seriously laid in bed for HOURS. I probably fell asleep sometime around 6 am, and woke up at 9 to call my bank and then call my mother, and then I went back to sleep for a decent while (until like, 2 pm).

Now I'm up and dressed and about to drop some shit off at my therapist's office and then go shopping to stock up on fooooooood!

Srry I don't post anything decent anymore. lulz. BYE.

The Con

2008-10-30T23:17:00.001-05:00

I imagine you when I was distant, non-existant
I followed suit
And laid down on my back, imagine that
A million hours left to think of you and think of that.

Not always in a literal sense, but srrrssslyyy!~!

TWO DAYS!!!!!!~!!

2008-10-30T17:26:00.002-05:00

Until NaNo. I'm getting more excited about it. I don't know. I think I just put everything on the back burner so that I wouldn't think too much into it while waiting for the actual day to arrive. But it is about a day and a half away (because I'm starting at midnight!) and I'm getting all... anxious. :D

Tomorrow is Halloween, and I'm going to take a thousand pictures of Trinity in her duck costume. So cute! I don't know if she's going trick or treating tomorrow, but I think tonight, she's going to Hallozooween (a... thing...? that happens at the zoo every year). She'll fit in nicely with the duckies.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show is on tonight! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

...I'm in a rly good mood.

Not... very... nice.

2008-10-28T20:56:00.002-05:00

I'm very frustrated with my father.

As I've mentioned, I started writing a Halloween story just a few days ago. I was really excited about it, and though I never talk to my father about my writing, I decided to because things have been different between us. I thought he'd... I don't know, be less of an asshole, maybe.

I was wrong, and I ended up disappointed. He wasn't interested, and made it very obvious, and for some reason, it made me want to cry. I can feel that he doesn't believe in me and/or my writing abilities, however mediocre they may be... It makes me feel like I'm 6 years old again, and he's standing over me yelling, telling me that I've done everything wrong again.

I realize how dramatic that sounds. Eh, sorry...

Only three days until NaNo, and I guess I'm excited. Not as excited as I was a few weeks ago. I guess I need to psyche myself up some. I'm having doubts, of course. I'm worried my plot won't carry me far enough, and I'll get bored with it. I don't want that to happen, but it's very possible. :(

I guess that's my task for the next few days. Get excited?

Also, I finished my Halloween story. Should be reason to celebrate; it is the first thing I've ever finished. I'm editing right now (half-way through) and will finish tomorrow, and then revise it, which shouldn't take too long. Happy about it, I guess.

I don't feel good. I don't have friends anymore.

November is so close!

2008-10-27T14:00:00.002-05:00

I can taste it! And it tastes like lemons! And hot chocolate! But not combined! Gross!

!!!!!

http://www.alphasmart.com/danastore/neo_features.html <--Someone buy me that. I would srsly love you for all of eternity.

Anyway, back to November. It is nearly here, and I'm procrastinating like a motherfucker. I should be working on notes, and I should be finished my Halloween short story, but instead, I am wasting as much time as I possibly can!

I think tonight, after my appointment (I have too many appointments), I will attempt to finish the short story, and then I will begin the editing process. Tomorrow will be devoted to finishing my character bible, and Wednesday-Friday will be spent hiding out and fretting over the beginning of NaNoWriMo.

I'll write more later.

Dreams.

2008-10-25T10:13:00.002-05:00

What do they mean? They're so unfair.

Every few weeks, I dream of a boy I went to school with. From my very first day until my very last, I saw him every single day, and I could barely stand him until my last year. We were both in high school, and were shocked to see each other (what were the odds that both of us ended up where we did?), and suddenly, we grew closer. Maybe it was the strange situation we found ourselves in, somehow thrown together, and needed someone or something familiar, or maybe we were just tired of being so hateful towards each other. Either way, something changed, and he became one of my best friends, my protector, my safety. At least inside the walls of that school. Every morning, I was greeted with a hug, and every afternoon, I rushed to meet him near his locker, just to see him one last time.

I thought about him when I got home. I wished we hadn't wasted so much time before. When I was happy, he was the first person I wanted to share it with. When I cried, he was the one I wanted to cry to. I eventually realized that I had some kind of feelings for him. I think I realized that when he began dating a girl named Kelli. Constantly, I saw them together, and I thought of how rotten she was, and I wanted him to see that she was no good for him. I think he did see that, but he stayed with her. But during that, he never changed the way he treated me. So respectfully, so sweetly.

After I dropped out, he and I stopped talking.

For some reason (probably due to the amount of chaos in my life at that point), I wasn't really concerned about it, but eventually, I began to miss him, and it started to hurt. I didn't want to think about it, because it pulled me apart to wonder if he ever thought about me, too. Always, a little voice in my head said, "No." I believe(d) it.

About a year ago, I began having dreams about him. They were strangely clear, like I'd actually lived through them and they were just memories I was going over in my head. He was so incredibly close, so real, so in detail. Exactly what I remember.

I had another one about him this morning, and it has left me feeling more depressed than any before. I miss him. I wish I knew where he was.

In this dream, I was still living at my father's house, and he came to see me. He acted as if he wasn't supposed to be seeing me, and it scared me. We sat together on the couch, his arm around me and my head resting on his shoulder. Our fingers were twisted together, and I can still feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed.

"I have to go really soon," he told me, resting his chin against the top of my head. I held onto him tighter, but didn't speak. God, those few moments where he was real again were blissful. I didn't want him to go, I didn't want to wake up, and I still don't want to wake up. I began crying, and he shushed me, telling me not to be sad, but he felt slightly shakey, too, as if he was scared.

I sat up and kissed his forehead, and saw his face. He looked so sad. I think he was mirroring my expression. I felt so sorry, and I wanted to tell him so, but I woke up.

Since then, he has been the only thing in my mind, and my sadness grows by the second. Since the dreams have started, always different but always heartbreakingly sweet, I've been left wondering if I should try to get in contact with him. I know the general area in which he used to live, and I know the school he used to go to. I could try to find him, but what would I say? I have no idea.

From the way he treated me for those few months, and the way I remember him, and the way he just appears in my mind out of nowhere, I wonder if that means something. What if he is the person I'm supposed to be with? I consider this so seriously, because even when we were young and we fought, I heard stories of childhood sweethearts growing up and getting married, and even though we weren't exactly sweethearts, I wondered if that was us. If we could grow up and want each other, and be together, and start a family, and stay in love throughout our whole lives, and die happily together, knowing that we completed each other for all of these years.

Dear fate, won't you please interfere? Send me to him, or him to me, and let me see if he's still as wonderful as I remember. Let me see if we're supposed to be together, or even know each other. I need something to happen. This new feeling I have, this new craving... I need him.

I hope I find him.

A note about potato soup.

2008-10-22T22:42:00.000-05:00

I held you in high esteem, but you have ruined your reputation within my house, and within my heart. You should be ashamed of yourself.

...In simpler terms, I spilled potato soup ALL OVER the kitchen floor today. Or rather, the potato soup spilled itself? That sounds better. More like its fault, instead of mine.

Anyway, still yum, but ver disappointing, annoying, and hard to clean up. Curse you, potato soup.

Right now, I'm working on a short story for Halloween. Nothing anyone is going to see, nothing serious, just a bit of practice before NaNo rolls around, and maybe something to save until next year, or even a few years from now, when Trinity will be old enough to understand. She likes hearing my stories.

Speaking of Trinity, she spent time with me today, and oh, how I wanted to beat her but kiss her at the same time! I can't deny that she is, or can be, extremely irritating, but her extreme sweetness, intelligence, and honesty always make up for the bad moments. My God, she is precious.

I never wear my hair down around her, or around anyone, really, because it has gotten so long, but I had just brushed it and she kept stroking my ponytail and saying, "Your hair is so pretty!" I asked her, "Do you want me to take it down so you can play with it?" She told me yes, so I did, and she loved it. "I want to brush it!" she told me, so I let her, which turned out to be a painful experience, but still cute on her end. She then stood in front of me, running her hands through the front part of my hair, but she started grabbing on and pulling, which obviously hurt, so I grabbed her tiny hands and loosened her fingers from my hair.

"No hair-pulling, okay?" I whispered. She nodded, and went back to what she was doing. A few moments later, again, she had two handfuls of my hair and tugged, harder than before. Out of impulse, my voice went up and I yelled at her. "NO, Trinity! Don't pull anyone's hair!" It wasn't a harsh yell, but it hurt her feelings anyway. She dropped my hair and her hands fell to her side, and she slouched off towards my mother's bedroom. Her head was bowed and her lips were pouted, and she looked so incredibly sad that I wanted to rush after her and cover her face with kisses. I called for her, but she didn't respond. Finally, I got up and went into the room, where she sat in the dark on my mother's bed, her arms crossed over her chest. I sat down next to her.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you, but you can't pull hair. Not anybody's. It isn't nice." I wrapped an arm around her tiny body, and she rested her head against me.

"Okaaaaaay," she mumbled, still sounding upset.

To make her feel better, I did something that usually worked: "Hey! Do you wanna get on my back?"

"Yes!" she squealed, up on her feet and behind me in no time, crawling up onto my shoulders. I carried her from the bedroom to the living room, trying so hard not to hit her head on anything (and succeeding) to show her mom and my mom. We went back into the bedroom and I laid down on my back, which was her cue to start using me as a jungle gym. She put a pillow on my stomach, counted, "1...2...3..." and then jumped up and landed either on her stomach or on her knees, on my stomach or chest. Oh God, it hurt, but she was having so much fun.

See that? I take the pain just to let her have fun.

A few times, she hurt me pretty badly, standing directly on my hip bone and then standing on my freaking boob. Holy shit, it hurts still. Both of them. Anyway, we had fun. I love spending time with her.

It sounds crazy, but she has so much personality. More personality than anyone else I know. It's amazing. I have a feeling that, with age, you lose and gain aspects of your own personality, but the things you lose are much more... important than the things you gain. Who wants to lose the child-like wonder? No one. I really don't think anyone does. It adds such a beauty to the world, such a magical charm. I like to think I still hold on to at least a small piece of my own child-like wonder, or at least have regained some from spending the past 3 years with a infant/baby/toddler who has a true gift of finding the "Ooh, ahh!" quality about absolutely everything.

It's 10:41 pm, and I would like to go to sleep, but I can't. Not until around 2 am. But fuck, I am so tired.

My first appointment with Dr. Murphy.

2008-10-21T20:42:00.001-05:00

I didn't expect to like her. I didn't expect to enjoy it. I've been over this procedure many, many times, and my hatred for it has increased over the years. I've seen numerous psychiatrists, I've taken countless different types of medication, I've told my story a thousand times, yet it felt different this time.

On the way there, I told my mom, "If she doesn't look friendly, I want you to come back with me. I'll tell you." This, as always, is a situation where I "judge a book by its cover," so to speak. Usually, I'm right about my judgements in these situations. If they have a sour expression on their face, as if this is a huge chore and they'd rather be somewhere else, I know automatically that I won't enjoy them, and they won't enjoy me. I've had far too many doctors like that.

Dr. Murphy opened the door and called my name. She is an older lady, but very pretty, though she didn't look very happy. Not that I expect anyone to be super cheerful; who really wants to go to work? Anyway, I was going to bring my mom back with me, but she asked to speak to me alone first. I went, telling her it was nice to meet her, and from that, she seemed to warm up a bit. Her office was big and bright, with a blue and green couch and a black leather chair. She asked me to sit in the chair, next to the computer, so she could take notes on what we talk about. I glanced at the clock. She came and got me on time, which is extremely rare, going by doctors I've seen before.

She started off by stating everything she knew by the bit of information my primary care doctor gave her office over the phone. "I can't really read this handwriting, but I think it says 'BP'. Bipolar?"

I shrugged. "Everyone seems to think that, but I haven't had an official diagnosis. Or maybe I have. My current psychiatrist is pretty... tight-lipped about everything. She doesn't explain things to me."

"I see." She typed some information into the computer, and then asked who I was seeing. Her eyebrows shot up at the mention of my doctor, Michelle Hubner. "I hear she's a great doctor."

I shrugged again. "Maybe for some people, but I don't really get along with her well. She doesn't really listen to me. When she tells me she wants me to try a new medication, even when I tell her I don't feel ready for it, or I don't want to try it, or I don't think it's right for me, she doesn't pay attention, and gives it to me anyway. I always feel obligated to give it a chance, and it always throws me off-balance. I hate it."

"Maybe she has you on the wrong medication."

And so our conversation continued, for over an hour, and she asked me so many questions, but they weren't as irritating as before. Something about the way she asked them, the way she patiently waited for my answers changed it for me. When I didn't know how to answer her question, she'd give me examples, or she'd list off "options" for me to choose from, which was a great help.

We discussed my anxiety, and I told her all about it, as truthfully as I could. After typing what I'd told her into the computer, she opened a medical dictionary and read me the definition of 'anxiety,' and then she turned to 'social phobia,' also known as 'social anxiety disorder,' and she read that to me, too. Anxiety, not so much. Social phobia, that fit... everything. Every single thing I do and feel and the way I act.

There was a lot more we discussed, but I don't really feel comfortable putting it here. It was a long meeting, and I feel more enlightened from it.

At the end, another doctor came in and talked to me about everything we'd gone over, and asked if I planned to come back. I do. He was very sweet, and seemed to know how I felt, so he didn't do anything that could've possibly intimidated me. It was nice. I really wanted to hug him.

My final diagnosis for today ended up as social phobia, and bipolar I. Somehow, I expected it. The past few years, people have been throwing around the suggestion, and I've wondered if it could be possible. It runs in the family. My mother sees a carbon copy of her sister in me. That idea has scared me; I love my aunt, but I've always seen her as my "crazy" aunt. It bothers me that my mother sees that in me. It makes me wonder if I scare my family from time to time with the way I act, the things I say. I wish I could apologize, and I've tried, but she always tells me that it isn't my fault. I still feel like it is.

I have another appointment with her on November 6th. By then, I'll have my medical records transferred to her office, and I'll have told Dr. Hubner that I won't be seeing her anymore. I have an appointment with her next week.

I can finally breathe a sigh of relief. I know what I have, and it is something they are sure of now. It is something they can treat. It is something I can get a hold on, if I want to. She told me many times that no one can force me to take the medication. If I feel like my best route is to not take medication for bipolar or depression or anything, that is up to me.

I don't really know what I'll do. I want to stay on my medication for anxiety; it helps. And I want to treat anything else I may have, but I've been on these medications before. Many of them. I know what most of them do to me. I know how... incapable they make me feel. I know that won't last forever, but it's hard to let yourself feel so hopeless, you know? To know what is making you feel this way, and to keep pulling yourself into it. I know that once the side effects go away and it is in my blood steadily, if I'd give it a chance to work, it could. I just never give it the chance.

I'm going to tell her that in November, I won't be ready for it. In November, I'll have a thousand other things going on and I don't want new medication to potentially handicap me during this time. I have too much to focus on. December, though... I'll be willing.

Ah, I need to make dinner and read and sleep. I have to wake up early. Goodnight.

edit: Something I wanted to add, something I noticed myself doing today... Eye contact?! It was weird. I never make eye contact, yet I was today, with both doctors. Hm.

Also, I'm feeling... off. Sad. Lonely, I think.

Blue October, I love you.

"I've gotta learn
To live and dream
Before I go
And get myself in love."

Srsly. :/

A few things...

2008-10-20T10:51:00.003-05:00

1. Potato soup is GOOD.
2. "I can't keep myself and still keep you, too." (That makes an insane amount of sense right now.)
3. I love Kanye West.
4. Why is the intro to I Will Possess Your Heart SO FUCKING LONG?
5. Um, 12 days!!!!1
6. My almost-3 year old cousin knows every word to Disturbia by Rihanna.
7. She also has this new thing she does where she walks up to you and says, "You're a peanut... butter... jelly... SANDWICH!!!" and tickles you. Cutest thing ever.
8. I need to figure out what I'm going to do for my birthday.
9. I finally cleaned my bedroom. It looks super awesome now. :D
10. More soup. Bye.

As dead as leaves.

2008-10-17T09:04:00.001-05:00

Chilly mornings are so enchanting.

I'm talking about the morning when you can feel that autumn has really set in, and the crispness of the air nips at your cheeks, your nose. The mornings that feel icey, almost like you can taste winter, and the excitement jolts your body like a lightning strike. The tips of your fingers tingle at the memories that pass briefly, giving you a faint glimpse at the past, but moving out of sight quickly, reminding you that now is not the time to focus on these moments. This is your hour, your minute, your second to be content with the present. We don't take a lot of time to do that. We either fantasize over the past, or we fret over the future. Rarely do we breathe in, make an ordinary moment one to remember forever, and let it pass without clutching onto it. Don't worry. There are plenty more precious moments to come.

Before I get too ahead of myself, daydreaming of winter, Halloween is so close. Two weeks exactly! Trinity was going to be Hannah Montana (I cannot even picture it), but she decided she wanted to be... a ducky. Best costume idea ever. She tried it on, and Genie took a picture to show us, and God, it was precious. I can't wait until the night.

But also, going past Halloween (way, way past), it's about time that I start figuring out what I'm getting who for Christmas. I need to think of something extra-special for my brother this year (for Christmas AND his birthday, which is December 31). I looove buying giiiiifts! :D <3

I'm off.

Why did we grow up? Apart?

2008-10-15T05:12:00.004-05:00

It is so strange to think of you. To see your aged face, always precious, exactly what I remember, yet so much different. To remember your voice, your tones, your laugh. To feel the faint touch of your arms around me, and to wish that they were still. To wonder who you are now, and why you aren't part of my life. To have the best memories of you, memories that have been untouched for the past 5 years, out of hope that you'd be part of my life again. The memories are clear, and are projected in my head as if our lives have been made into a movie, and I am finally seeing the ending result. What a ridiculous movie it would be. So overwhelming. So taboo. But so perfect, so happy, so wonderful to see you in motion again... But there is always an ending, no matter how anti-climatic, unbelievable, or sudden it may be.

I know you remember me, but I don't think the memories have been unlocked yet. For me, the time is now, and I remember you better than ever, and no matter how badly it hurts me to miss you so much, I'm overjoyed to be able to compare what I know about you now to what I knew about you then, and to see that you're still partially the person I remember. The person I grew up with, the person that reassured me when I needed it, the person that lifted me up higher than anyone else could.

In my head, you're still my best friend. We're still the socially awkward, privately wild people we used to be. I still think you give the best hugs. I will always laugh at our stupid jokes. I will always wish you the best.

Ah, I miss you. I love you. I hope you think of me, too.

I occasionally have a very difficult time figuring out my emotions. That was so hard to write, and I'm not entirely sure it is about just one person. A few others came to mind through certain lines, and I could've gone off in an entirely different direction, picking apart the mistakes of each relationship I was reminded of.

Today, I don't want to know the mistakes, the problems, the downfall. I just want to remember the good things. The happy times. There were so many more of them than anything, and for that, I am grateful.

Also, you may not agree with me, and you may not understand what I say, but do not get critical with me. I'm not going to point out flaws in what you say, think, believe. Don't do it to me.

Free Rice!

2008-10-15T01:12:00.004-05:00

www.freerice.com/index.php

Go donate some rice.

I've been spending way too much time on the computer, and I think it is about time to take a step back and focus on more important things. No, not cutting off computer access or anything, just a few hours less a day. >.> /loser

My head is hurting. I should be sleeping.

Recharged.

2008-10-14T03:44:00.002-05:00

I think I've been letting myself suffer for the past few days. Since Thursday, I feel like I've been in constant motion. It's tiring. I've been doing nothing to keep myself... levelheaded. No writing (except for here), no reading, no painting, no relaxing... I've been really tense.

Earlier tonight, I went into my bedroom, turned on my desk lamp, got out my art journal, paint, brushes, and incense. I lit that shit up (haha, sounds weird!) and started painting and was instantly soothed. It was nice. I felt a little off-beat at first, though, with the painting, but eventually got back into it nicely. I actually did a few pages that have become favorites. I might post pictures later. Anyway, I've only got 9 more pages to go before it is full and I can use it, but I might save it until my other journal is full. Don't know.

So I guess I know what to do now, when I'm feeling shitty for no explainable reason... which happens pretty often? Hmmmm.

Oh, today, when I woke up (at 4:30 pm), my mother told me that a doctor had called. I forget what their name was, for some reason, I want to say... Dr. Murphy? Huh. I don't know. Anyway, a new psychiatrist. I don't know if I want that. I see a woman right now who... I don't really like, but I can handle. She doesn't try to force me to try medications I don't think are right for me, she gives me what helps me (in a very low dose, but at least I'm getting it), and I don't have to tell her my "story".

God, that has to be the worst part. Having to go over everything that has ever happened, everything that has brought you to where you are today. I don't want to do that again. I can't even count how many times I've done it before. I've had so many fucking doctors. I don't want a new one, uggggghhhhhhhhh. Leave me alone.

I told my mother I would go, just to see what she is like. I have an appointment with my other psychiatrist less than a week later, and if things don't work out with the new doctor, I will stay with my current one.

Medical stuff sucks.

But I feel good right now. Good good good. I think.

Ah, feeling awkward.

2008-10-13T21:13:00.000-05:00

Why does this happen to me? Out of nowhere, I suddenly feel awkward and timid, like I should be hiding or ashamed. The weird thing about it is that I'm never in public when this happens. I'm always at home, surrounded by people I know, or absolutely no one.

I can't count the number of times throughout the past five years of my life that I've been able to describe how I feel as "inadequate" and nothing else. It is the only word that fits.

I can't even speak about this. :(

/hides from the world

Happiness ---> Guilt

2008-10-12T21:55:00.000-05:00

This is something I've been feeling lately. Guilt as a result of happiness, or fun, or anything positive.

It pains me to think that, while I'm over here having a great time, somewhere, someone is hurting. A lot of people. It makes me feel like I should be grieving with them, rather than living my life as if none of it phases me.

Because it does. I mean, especially in times like right now, when it hits a little closer to home than normal.

A girl I went to school with for three years died yesterday morning as a result of drunk driving. No, we weren't friends. We talked occasionally while we were in school, but I didn't really have any kind of relationship with her... But all night, every single time I smiled, laughed, felt content, happy, satisfied, I couldn't help but wonder about her family. Where they are, what they're doing, how they're feeling, how they're handling it, how they're telling other people about it. And her friends. I've always wondering how I would handle it if I lost one of my friends in such a tragic way (not that I want to experience it). I can't imagine how they're coping.

I just wish I didn't feel like such a terrible person for being able to laugh and smile and be happy. Something inside of me is telling me that I want to be sad about this, I should be sad about this, and I am, but I guess I'm used to letting something like this consume me, and since it hasn't this time (yet), I feel wrong.

I'm sorry. It's just insane when you hear about kids you know dying. And in the worst ways. Statistical. Their deaths will be referred to as statistics. It's so sad. Drunk driving. She will be used as an example. And another person I knew, gang shooting. I want to say something along the lines of, "It isn't fair," but for my entire life, I've been told that life isn't fair, and that's something we have to get used to. I can't, though.

I sat on my bedroom floor with my yearbook in my lap, flipping through the pages, staring at the kids I spent three years (or more) of my life with, wondering where they're all at, and if they ever wonder about me.

I saw Stefanie Andrews and I remembered her voice. I'm sad for her family, and I'm sad for her friends, and I'm sad for her. Lives get cut short before true potential is reached, even if that potential is touching one more person's life or saving the world.

"Such is life," she often said
With one day leading to the next
You get a little closer to your death
Which was fine with her,
She never got upset.

This is my 16th entry for October.

2008-10-10T16:05:00.002-05:00

And it's only the 10th. Lame? Yes.

Last night, there was obviously a concert or something going on next door, right up against my wall, so I had to listen to that while trying to go to sleep. It didn't go too well. I woke up every few minutes, and I ate a lot of chocolate (weird? I know, I don't know what happened, I just woke up and wanted chocolate, so I ate some), and I cried because I was frustrated.

Around 7 am, once my mother was gone, I grabbed my blanket and went out to the couch, where I slept like a rock from the moment I laid down until 3 pm. And I'm still tired. I could sleep more, but it is now 4:09 pm, and I have to get my shit together to go to my father's house.

Blah. Tonight is going to be a very long night.

Something I've noticed with my characters: my main, Evelyn, doesn't really talk to me much, but my two other main (I would say secondary but they're a huge part of the story) are always babbling and feeding me little bits of information. Now, I either want to duct tape their mouths shut, or I want to beat Evelyn and make her talk to me more.

Right I was I was writing that, I hear in my head (not in a crazy way... or maybe, yeah, but I don't know), "I'm here. I'm just content."

Fine, fine. But I need you to speak to me a little bit more when I'm trying to write your story.

"I can do that."

It kind of does make me feel crazy, hahaha.

Time to get my shit together to go to my father's house. Goodbye. :(

Pink overload.

2008-10-09T21:23:00.002-05:00

Shopping today, for Trinity. I meant to get ONE thing, one educational toy, since I already got her two Hannah Montana things, but... I go overboard sometimes. In the end, I spent $40 more than I meant to, and came home with 4 more toys than I meant to buy, a few toys for myself, two new bags (they were $3!!!), all of Patti's birthday stuff, and... um, other stuff I can't think of.

Oops.

Shopping is evil. Pink overloads are evil. Money is evil. EVIL. But gas is down to $2.84 per gallon, and no one thought we'd ever see it that low again, but it's dropping rapidly. Before therapy, it was $2.91, and after therapy, it was $2.88, and after shopping, it was $2.84. This is good.

I just got off the telephone with Patti. We always fight now. It's hilarious. I wonder why/how we're still "friends".

I asked her, "Since when do you care what people think of you?" and she responded, "I don't. Why the fuck would you ask that?"

I should've responded, "Because you do."

She isn't the person I remember becoming friends with. I know I should expect people to change, but not so drastically. Bleh.

I don't have anything else to say. I'm tired. Hopefully a decent night's sleep is in store for me.

Paper thin walls.

2008-10-09T04:43:00.005-05:00

Genie and Trinity came over to visit for a few minutes last night. She wanted to borrow something from my mom, and Trinity had been asking to see me all day. Apparently, they'd been by earlier in the day, but I was asleep. I promised Trinity I would wake up early today so that she could come over and we could play and color.

Now, I was planning on waking up around 9:30, 10 am, so I went to bed around 11:30 last night. Little did I know (okay, that's a lie, I did have a feeling this would happen), my body doesn't exactly... work? I woke up at 3:30, put a pillow over my face, screamed out of frustration (I can't EVER sleep more than 5 or 6 hours at a time), and rolled out of bed.

It's okay, I guess. I have to start cleaning as soon as my mother leaves for work, shower, get dressed, write in my notebook, call Genie and T, play play play play play, go to therapy, shopping, dinner, and then come home and collapse.

I feel like the next three days are going to be a mess. Today, a ton of shit. Tomorrow, I have to go to my father's house and spend the night with him, which will cause more unneeded sleeping disturbances (for the life of me, I absolutely cannot sleep when I go over there), and then, I have to come home and somehow manage to catch up on sleep before Steph and Patti come over.

Old picture. I love it, though. My favorite.

Blah. I'm going to curl up under my blankets, and maybe, hopefully, fall back to sleep? Probably not.

My Xanga post.

2008-10-08T03:59:00.001-05:00

Something I've caught myself doing over the past few months is collecting small items that belong to my parents (keepsake boxes, little toys and trinkets, jewelry, notes, etc.) and saving them. I feel myself emotionally preparing for their death, even though I'm terrified to actually address the idea. To be honest, I've hoped since an early age, since grasping the concept of death and combining it with the value of my parents to me, that I would die first, so I wouldn't have to see them go. I don't think I could live through it. I know people say and think things along those lines all the time, but on a completely honest level, I really know that I'm not exaggerating or being overdramatic.

Why, since I was a child, since I can remember, have I been absolutely petrified anytime I don't know where they are, anytime they don't answer the phone, or don't get home on time? Why, for the first three years of school, did I cry every single day when they left me? Why do I still, at the age of 17, still have issues going places alone? Why can't I grow up, move on, accept the inevitable, and just be grateful for the time that they have left with me?

Because I'm still their baby. I'm still their little girl, expecting them to make everything better. Over the years, my mother has become my best friend. I have no problem with that at all. In fact, it was a pleasant change considering the relationships my friends at the time had with their mothers. I was grateful. I still am. No one in the world has done more for me than her, and maybe that is part of my problem. I'm not suggesting that I wish she would've left me to fend for myself at a young age, or pushed me harder when I wasn't doing the absolute best.

I don't know what I'm saying. I just know that this has been how I am for my entire life. My anxiety is killer, and it controls me at the worst times. It scares me, it makes me imagine the worst, and it makes me feel like I have to hold on tight while they're still here, which will make it worse when it is time for them to go.

I don't mean to give off the impression that my parents do everything for me. They don't. In fact, I feel like I'm... independent. I take care of myself. I help pay the bills. I keep the house in order. I make my own decisions. I am nearly 100% financially independent. But she, and he, my mother and my father, are always there for me to fall back on, just in case. They will never give up on me. They will never break my heart. They will never stop being good to me. They will never turn on me. They will never tell me I'm ugly, or tell me I'm not good enough, or tell me all of the horrible things other people have.

They're there to do the complete opposite, and they do their "job". But when they're gone, who will be there to do those things? No one will. And I can't imagine where I'd be if I didn't have them here to pull me back up once I've been shoved down so hard.

Like I mentioned in my last post, my father made me a mix CD. On the cover, it says, "Dad's Love Songs". I know that when I don't have him around anymore, this is one of the things I'll cherish. I'll love every song on the CD, even if I hated it before. From my mother, I have all of these notes she has written me. She'll leave them for me sometimes in the morning, reminding me to take my medication, asking me to do favors for her, telling me I have an appointment that day. At the end, she always signs it "I Love You" and I always keep them because I know that's something I'll need to hear once she is gone.

By day, I'm a ray of sunshine.
By night, I'm an emotional wreck.

To be honest, I think I know why I don't write on Xanga much. The people who read my posts, or pay the slightest bit of attention to me on here, they seem to have their shit together. They seem to be happy, living a good life. I guess I'm slightly ashamed to put my things... out there, for you all to read.

But let me assure you, this isn't the only side to me. I'm not always depressed, I don't dwell on the inevitable, or the past, I don't cry and bitch and whine all the time. I'm a happy person. I just don't know exactly how to share that.

I write often at http://balance-beam.blogspot.com, so check it out if you're interested. It doesn't mean I'm done with Xanga. On the contrary, I think I'll post more. But... that's my main site, if anyone wants to read it.

3:58 am. Time to go to bed.

Call It Off.

2008-10-07T23:40:00.004-05:00

(Original post title: This is a test of Mel's emergency broadcast system: FUCK YOU.)

I sit down in the rocking chair, turn on David Letterman to catch the end, and he announces, "Coming up next, Tegan & Sara." I'm launched out of my chair, jumping up and down, squealing happily. I absolutely adore Tegan & Sara. I went to their concert on May 2nd. It was magical. While the commercials passed, I wondered what they were going to sing. I thought, Probably The Con, or Back In Your Head.

Lately, Call It Off has been my favorite song. I listen to it... all day long, on repeat, never getting sick of it.

It comes back from commercials, and there they are, in all of their wonderful, beautiful glory, and what are they singing? Call It Off.

Now, something is wrong with me tonight. I'm an emotional wreck. I was fine an hour ago, but someone has seriously turned on the waterworks. So here I am, standing in front of the television, listening to them sing, crying like I've just had my heart broken.

Pathetic? Maybe a little. >.>

Half way through the song, an annoying, nasal-y buzzing interrupts the song, and an announcement is made: "This is a test of the emergency broadcast system." OH, REALLY? DO YOU THINK I CARE RIGHT NOW? I DON'T CARE IF A BOMB HAS JUST BEEN DROPPED, I'M TRYING TO LISTEN TO TEGAN & SARA, YOU FUCKS. OF COURSE, YOU HAD TO DO THIS STUPID FUCKING TEST RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING I REALLY WANT TO SEE. YOU ARE ALL EVIL. EVERY ONE OF YOU.

It wasn't nice. It stopped just in time for me to catch the last lines. "I'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do."

I can't explain what this song means to me. Something about it is a reminder. It flashes these messages in front of my eyes, reminding me that I wasn't given a proper chance, and that I'll never have that chance with that particular someone again.

Maybe I would've been something you'd be good at
Maybe you would've been something I'd be good at
But now, we'll never know

It would be nice if I wasn't so sentimental. You know those people who never cry, never show emotion? Sometimes, I feel like I'd rather be like them, than like this.

Is it better than keeping my mouth shut?
That goes without saying

Hot cocoa!

2008-10-07T21:00:00.002-05:00

I don't drink coffee, so naturally, I'm going to need something in November with a decent amount of caffeine in it. My solution? Mountain Dew and hot cocoa. No, not together.

Anyway, www.landolakes.com is heavenly. I'm buying 72 packs (or six boxes) of hot cocoa in six different flavors (chocolate supreme, mint, caramel, cinnamon, mocha, and Irish creme) for $36.00.

Orgasmic.

Allow me to touch on a subject I devoted a post to recently... I seriously dislike my neighbors. They are total a-holes. It seems like anytime I'm in my bedroom, attempting to get some serious work done, their music is blasting like there's a fucking concert going on next door, but when I go in my room to bullshit, just to pass time and do nothing important... Sweet, blissful silence. Go suck it, you loud pieces of shit.

:(

In other news, names:
Evelyn Moon (my mom likes it, lulz)
Grace Craft
Samuel (/Sam) Wiley

I love my characters.