Your love is so colorful.

I'm in an Ani DiFranco mood today.

You keep telling me I'm beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I miss no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars

Good stuff!

I think I'm getting sick. My throat is all scratchy and weird sounding and I wake up with a stuffy nose. ;( Boo. When I get sick, I turn into a five year old, and all I want is my mommy. It's kind of pathetic. But she thinks it is cuuuute, which is good, because I can still get away with it, even at 18.

Oh, last night, I went on a major search-and-destroy mission for these stupid fucking GED testing info papers, and I finally found those bitches. RIGHT ON MY DESK. Fucking... fuck. I was annoyed but relieved. I have to be there by 8:15 am. Srsly? I haven't been up that early to actually go somewhere in a really long time. I'm so nervous. D: I should've spent the last entire month studying but, uh, I've been distracted? The best kind of distracted. I love distractions. >.>

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I hate when I see PostSecrets about cocaine because I'm always afraid that my brother is thinking the same thing. Like, there was one a few months ago that I have saved but am too lazy to find, it's written on a Red Bull carton thing (you know?!), and it says, "I still like cocaine better." And then this week, there's one that says, "I want to use cocaine again so I can lose this extra weight." And I swear, the handwriting is similar, but I'm just being paranoid because he thinks PostSecret is stupid. Or at least he's said so before. But it still worries me. I don't want him to do that again.

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http://www.offtoportland.blogspot.com/

Wow. I wish I had the guts to do anything like that. I can't even put into words how badly I want to leave Oklahoma, but I feel like I settled a long time ago. I was born and raised here, this is where my family is, this is where my life is. It'd be too risky to leave. How would I get to where I'm going? What would I do when I get there? ...A ton of questions came to mind when I thought about it, and I decided it was too much to handle, so I put it out of my mind. When I read things like the blog I just posted, it ignites that fire in me and makes me want to pack my shit and leave, no matter how scary it may be.

One day? Possibly. But not now.

When I think about leaving, my first thought is Trinity. I don't want to miss out on her childhood, I don't want to leave and come back one day to a teenager or an adult. It's one of the main things that hold me back. She's my baby girl.

I know I'm going to have to let go of her, and the rest of my friends and family, at some point if I actually want to live my life, but I'm not ready yet, and I don't see any reason why I need to be ready. I'm still young. I have plenty of time to do these things.

Anyway, I know exactly where I would go. I can dream for now, right?