Dreams.

What do they mean? They're so unfair.

Every few weeks, I dream of a boy I went to school with. From my very first day until my very last, I saw him every single day, and I could barely stand him until my last year. We were both in high school, and were shocked to see each other (what were the odds that both of us ended up where we did?), and suddenly, we grew closer. Maybe it was the strange situation we found ourselves in, somehow thrown together, and needed someone or something familiar, or maybe we were just tired of being so hateful towards each other. Either way, something changed, and he became one of my best friends, my protector, my safety. At least inside the walls of that school. Every morning, I was greeted with a hug, and every afternoon, I rushed to meet him near his locker, just to see him one last time.

I thought about him when I got home. I wished we hadn't wasted so much time before. When I was happy, he was the first person I wanted to share it with. When I cried, he was the one I wanted to cry to. I eventually realized that I had some kind of feelings for him. I think I realized that when he began dating a girl named Kelli. Constantly, I saw them together, and I thought of how rotten she was, and I wanted him to see that she was no good for him. I think he did see that, but he stayed with her. But during that, he never changed the way he treated me. So respectfully, so sweetly.

After I dropped out, he and I stopped talking.

For some reason (probably due to the amount of chaos in my life at that point), I wasn't really concerned about it, but eventually, I began to miss him, and it started to hurt. I didn't want to think about it, because it pulled me apart to wonder if he ever thought about me, too. Always, a little voice in my head said, "No." I believe(d) it.

About a year ago, I began having dreams about him. They were strangely clear, like I'd actually lived through them and they were just memories I was going over in my head. He was so incredibly close, so real, so in detail. Exactly what I remember.

I had another one about him this morning, and it has left me feeling more depressed than any before. I miss him. I wish I knew where he was.

In this dream, I was still living at my father's house, and he came to see me. He acted as if he wasn't supposed to be seeing me, and it scared me. We sat together on the couch, his arm around me and my head resting on his shoulder. Our fingers were twisted together, and I can still feel his chest rising and falling as he breathed.

"I have to go really soon," he told me, resting his chin against the top of my head. I held onto him tighter, but didn't speak. God, those few moments where he was real again were blissful. I didn't want him to go, I didn't want to wake up, and I still don't want to wake up. I began crying, and he shushed me, telling me not to be sad, but he felt slightly shakey, too, as if he was scared.

I sat up and kissed his forehead, and saw his face. He looked so sad. I think he was mirroring my expression. I felt so sorry, and I wanted to tell him so, but I woke up.

Since then, he has been the only thing in my mind, and my sadness grows by the second. Since the dreams have started, always different but always heartbreakingly sweet, I've been left wondering if I should try to get in contact with him. I know the general area in which he used to live, and I know the school he used to go to. I could try to find him, but what would I say? I have no idea.

From the way he treated me for those few months, and the way I remember him, and the way he just appears in my mind out of nowhere, I wonder if that means something. What if he is the person I'm supposed to be with? I consider this so seriously, because even when we were young and we fought, I heard stories of childhood sweethearts growing up and getting married, and even though we weren't exactly sweethearts, I wondered if that was us. If we could grow up and want each other, and be together, and start a family, and stay in love throughout our whole lives, and die happily together, knowing that we completed each other for all of these years.

Dear fate, won't you please interfere? Send me to him, or him to me, and let me see if he's still as wonderful as I remember. Let me see if we're supposed to be together, or even know each other. I need something to happen. This new feeling I have, this new craving... I need him.

I hope I find him.